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Negative people look for things to complain about and find them.

Positive people look for things to be grateful for and find them. Make your choice

I’m sure you’ve heard this before that every day we wake up, we have a choice. We can choose to see the day as positive or negative. And guess what, the way we choose is the way it turns out.

This is not magic.

The reality is that the way we expect the day to be drives our own behavior and that produces the positive results for us.

I had a friend who was my mentor and continues to be an inspiration every time I feel that life is tough. He was my manager, my first manager when I lived in Guyana in 1979; my boss, my friend and as I mentioned, my mentor. In Guyana, he was the BOSS. He ran the whole Kwakwani Mining Operation and I was his assistant. New, foreigner, wet-behind-the-ears, first job, zero experience. Yet in the five years that I worked for him, he made me a man. He took what I came with – the training and upbringing of my parents, the mentoring of Aunty Mohini and Uncle Rama, of Nawab Nazir Yar Jung and Nawab Habib Jung and K. Kuruvila Jacob and my teachers in school and life – and gave it a finish. Learning is never finished but it goes through stages. One of the major thresholds that I crossed was when I worked with Mr. James Nicholas (Nick) Adams. I have written about these years in my book, ‘It’s my Life’, so if you are interested, please read it there. I left Guyana in 1983.

I returned to Guyana in 1997 when I was invited by the Prime Minister, Mr. Samuel Hinds, who was an old friend from my days there when all of us worked in the same company. My dear friend Arjun Reddy and I spent a very pleasant week in Guyana as guests of the Prime Minister. God bless Sam and Yvonne’s hospitality. Nick by then had retired to Linden and we spent some lovely days together. Nick told me that he was planning to migrate to the US as his family was there. I didn’t think that was a great idea because he had his own house in Linden and had a very nice and comfortable life. But life has its decision points and only those who live it can make those decisions.

I next met Nick in 2009 when I was in New York and discovered that he had a job as a doorman in an apartment building in Brooklyn, New York. I almost wept, until I saw the big smile on his face and he said to me, ‘You know Yawar, I am so fortunate. I sit in a cool air-conditioned lobby all summer when New York is sweltering and in a nice heated lobby when it is freezing. I get paid just to be here. I am so grateful to God for this because at my age I still need to work and if this job wasn’t there, what would I do?’ I took a deep breath and said to myself, ‘Boss, this is about you. Not him. This is Allahﷻ telling you something. Nick is the means by which this message is coming to you.’ In the course of conversation, he said to me, ‘There is an old Jewish lady who lives in a small but very nice flat on the top of this building. She lives alone. Every once in a while, especially in winter, she calls me and requests me to get her a sandwich from across the street. She is old and it is difficult for her to wrap herself up and go across the freezing and often slippery street, so she asks me. I always do this for her. My colleagues, other doormen, object. They tell me that I must not do it as it is not part of my job description. How to get the sandwich is her problem, not mine. But I don’t listen to them. I just do it because that is the right thing to do.’

I am listening to him and saying to myself, ‘This is what he taught me all his life – that life is a bank account. Deposit into it when you don’t need it and you will have it when you need it.’ Here was a man who radiated positivity in situations where others would have given up and curled up, ready to die. At the age of seventy-five, he lost his job due to cancer and had hip replacement surgery and so couldn’t work any longer. His lovely wife Kathleen was working but they needed a home. Then the old lady in the apartment died. A couple of days later, her son comes to Nick and says, ‘My mother wrote in her will that you should live in her apartment as long as you live. I have come to inform you and to make a request.’ Nick says to me (on the phone, when I called him as I did from time to time), ‘I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for what God did for me. I needed a house and He gave me an apartment in Brooklyn in one of the best apartments, rent free for life. So what was the man’s request. The man says to me, ‘My mother had her furniture. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t need it and to store it would be prohibitively expensive. So, can I please leave it in the flat and you are most welcome to use it?’ Nick says, ‘Every time you think God gave you something and are grateful, He gives you more. I needed a home. He gives me a furnished home, free for life.’

I am saying to myself, ‘Here is a man who is living the Ayaat of the Qur’an where Allahﷻ said exactly the same thing – if you are grateful to me I will enhance my blessing.’ Nick’s cancer continued and towards the latter part of his life it became very painful so he was mostly sedated. But on the occasions when I could talk to him and asked him how he was feeling, he always replied, ‘I am very well. I can’t thank god enough for what He has done for me.’ I thought to myself, ‘Here is a man who has the option to think of so many negative things that have happened in his life, but he chooses to think of the positives things and is grateful for them and not a negative or ungrateful word from him.’

Allahﷻ appreciates those who appreciate His blessings and refuse to complain about the trials that are also part of life. I saw that in the life of Nick Adams. Two weeks before he passed away, he accepted Islam and died a Muslim. His memory illuminates my own life, especially when things are difficult. And his mention and story do the same to many others all over the world. May Allahﷻ who gave him Islam, give him Jannah.

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That’s a picture I took flying over South Africa. The patterns of fields is a factor of the ariel view. Perspective is a factor of distance. And so is learning in life. That’s why documenting incidents, reflecting on them and trying to conceptualize learnings is so important. So is sharing. And that’s why this blog. To share what I learned with you. Why? Why not?

As I mentioned earlier, the funny title of this blog (and the book) is the date on which I was fifty-five years old. I don’t believe birthdays are things to ‘celebrate,’ cut cakes, blow out candles, or have parties. Being alive is not my doing, so what is there to celebrate? Rather, birthdays are an opportunity to reflect on what we did with the time that passed, to be thankful for the good, to be aware of the mistakes, to ask what we learned, to ponder over opportunities we seized and let go, with the intention to learn from mistakes, leverage wins, and add value to the life that begins on that date. The past is only good as a means of learning lessons, not to brood or gloat over. It is past and done with. However, it can teach us things if we are willing to learn. And it will repeat if we don’t learn until we do. So birthdays are reminders to reflect. Birthdays are also reminders that our life will end; there will be a year when you won’t be alive on your birthday. If only people understand the symbolism – blowing out the candles – and then strangely people clap and laugh, instead of recognizing the symbolism of the extinguishing flame.

So what did I learn in fifty-five years of living? Let me see what I can recall.

They won’t remember what you did but they won’t forget
how you made them feel.

Perhaps the most important learning in half a century and a bit of life is to be thankful. First and foremost to Allahﷻ. I truly feel His presence and guidance in my life. Then to all those who were good to me in many different ways. They are too many to be named here but I remember them all with honor and gratitude and pray for them. Some have passed on, but their memory lives on in my heart. As my mother says, ‘People pass on, but memories stay back.’ I remind myself to be conscious of what memories I will leave behind when I pass on.

The Prophetﷺ said that the one who is not thankful to the people is not thankful to Allahﷻ. I learnt that it is essential not only to be thankful, but also to express that thankfulness. People need to hear from you how grateful you are. Even if they know that you are grateful, there is something about hearing it acknowledged which makes a huge difference, much more even than receiving a cash bonus or other material reward. People tend to take the reward as their due – which it is – but they give far more importance to the words. So simple and inexpensive, yet so powerful are the words – Thank You – yet we are so stingy in saying them. Thank You is the lever that moves the hearts of people and leaves behind memories. That’s why I say, ‘They won’t remember what you did, but they won’t forget how you made them feel.’ I’ve always made it a point to thank everyone for everything and have reaped the rewards all through my life.

Sadly, we take people for granted, especially the ones we deal with every day, who serve us, whose value we realize only when they are not there. I was once teaching a course in Chennai once to a group of engineers who were all Tamil Brahmins. In Tamil Brahmin homes there’s an invariable morning ritual – the lady of the house wakes up before anyone else, bathes, and then makes coffee (brilliant filter coffee from freshly ground beans) for all the men of the house, no matter how young or old. To make my point about expressing gratitude I asked them, ‘Do you enjoy the coffee in the morning?’

There was a chorus of ‘Yes Sir!’

Then I asked, ‘Would you miss it if it wasn’t there one day?’

Once again a chorus, ‘Yes Sir!’

Then I asked, ‘Did you ever thank your wife or your mother who makes that coffee for you every single day without fail?’

There was absolute silence and some very sheepish looks. I didn’t belabor the point any further as I thought my point had been made. At least they were honest and I hoped that my reminder would yield some good results. I didn’t think any more about this interjection and continued with my teaching.

The next morning one of the men came up to me and said, ‘Sir, my mother told me to thank you.’ I was surprised and said, ‘Well, thank her very much, but what did she want you to thank me for?’

He said, ‘Sir, last night I went home and thanked her for the coffee.’

Her reaction was, ‘Who told you to do this?’ I tried to say that I was doing this on my own, but she refused to believe me. ‘I know you,’ she said. ‘Someone told you to thank me. Who was that?’ I told her about your conversation with us. So she told me, ‘Go and thank your teacher on my behalf. I wish there were more like him.’

We take service for granted, be it from family or others. I learnt that it is essential never to take service for granted and always to thank people for doing anything for us.

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#teacher

Negative or positive, the choice is ours

Be Thankful

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