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Marriage is another name for adjustment

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They are not called ‘compromises’. They are called ‘adjustments’. It is not the semantics of it but the attitudes that language indicates and dictates. We make compromises when forced to do so. We willingly adjust to things so that we can enjoy them more. One of the things that most young couples don’t bargain for is the aspect of sharing ownership, time, and privacy that marriage brings with it. Nobody told them about it, and they didn’t think about it when they had stars in their eyes. Honeymoons are in hotels and sharing a hotel room is different from sharing your own bedroom and your own cupboard. Changing from ‘I’ to ‘We’ is often a difficult process. Small things can become the cause of friction, sometimes degenerating to serious conflict.

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Some people are neat and orderly by nature. To others any form of ‘order’ is an ‘attack’ on their freedom, individuality, and free spirit. Some people are early risers and early sleepers. Others like to stay up late and wake up when the sun is well up in the sky. Some eat breakfast, others don’t. Some are more stylish and fashion conscious than others. Others carry their what-the-dog-left-on-the-doorstep look like a mark of their individuality much to the disgust of their spouse. Some people like surprises, others hate them. Some like to take decisions, even bad ones. Others like to leave options open for as long as they can get away with it. For some the idea of relaxation is to be alone or with the one they love, all by themselves, sitting often in companionable silence. For others relaxation is to have at least five other people in the fray while managing two others on the phone. Some people love parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Others hate parties, especially where they are likely to meet new people. Some focus on the rules, regulations, systems of things. Others see the same things in terms of feelings and emotion. All this would have been fine if difference was seen as merely different. But it isn’t. It is seen as ‘right’ (my way) and ‘wrong’ (any other way). This conditioning is culturally universal and ingrained. We all have it but most are not conscious of it.

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Many of these are temperament traits, which those who are familiar with Myers-Briggs Type Theory will recognize. Irrespective of your familiarity with the theory I am sure you will recognize yourselves, your spouses, family, and friends in these descriptions. The question is, what should you do about the fact that you may discover after marrying someone that you married someone very different from yourself. We seem to know instinctively that difference means problems and so we unconsciously play down our differences before marriage. We try to be very accommodative, forgiving and flexible to almost anything just so that the marriage happens. Unfortunately, this lasts for all of two weeks into the marriage. Then the reality of difference kicks in. And ‘kicks’ is the right way to describe it. Difference in a marriage is far from intellectual. It is real, in the face and with you every day. You have to deal with it, or it will create trouble. It is interesting to note that in many cases people marry others because the different temperament seems so attractive from the outside. For the one who leaves things open as long as they can, the strong decisive nature of the spouse is the essence of manhood. For the one who is sedate, orderly, and structured, the spontaneous, effervescent spirit of the spouse is like a breath of fresh air. Sadly, in both and all similar cases, this does not last long. Difference attracts but doesn’t sit well. Most often and for most people difference becomes a source of irritation, aggravation, and conflict.

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Happily, there is a solution and that is to understand difference to be precisely that i.e., difference and to consciously refuse to see it as good and bad. Then to ensure that you don’t criticize your spouse’s different way of being or doing as long as it is not illegal, immoral or likely to drag your good name in the mud. If it will not land you or her/him in jail, leave it alone. Let them live the way they like to. Learn to ignore and learn not to engage or comment on or react to everything. Easier said than done, I know. But if you know a better and easier way, tell me about it.

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Having said that, decide on what is important to you. Don’t make compromises on issues of principle. Explain to your spouse why you won’t compromise, and wise partners will respect that. But issues which are important to the other and which you can live with changing, change. Remember the point about concern for the other? It is good to remember that everything is not a test of your masculinity or femininity. By ‘giving in’ to something you don’t lose face; you win hearts. So do it unless it is something that goes against your fundamental values. At this point let me remind you that marrying someone with a different Aqeeda, religious perspective or religion is almost always a recipe for disaster except for people who are not committed to their own religion. If you are committed to your faith, then ensure that you marry someone who is equally committed and has the same perspective about it as you do.

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It is a very good idea to have some frank sharing of thoughts on what is important to you. When this is happening, simply listen. Don’t justify, agree, disagree, or argue. Just listen respectfully and then decide what you love, what you can live with, what you can change in yourself and what you need to talk to the other person about. Most couples, in the courtship stage are too busy on appearing their best and get into a pretense mode that has no relation to what they are really like. Acting can’t be sustained and the mask comes off sooner than later with predictable results. Speak to each other frankly and then decide if you want to get married. During this conversation speak clearly and tell them what the non-negotiables for you are. Don’t try to be politically correct or polite or hide or play down things that you really feel strongly about.

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Maybe it is something to do with practicing your religious beliefs, or about family values or that your Mom will live with you or that the cat shares your bed or whatever. No matter what it is, if it is important, then say it. That is far more positive and far less painful than having your spouse discover it later. Some things may seem ‘silly’ to you but if they are important enough for the other person then they will cause you serious trouble if you don’t respect them.

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When does one know that a marriage is not working? And when should people do something about it?

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A marriage is ultimately an agreement between two people to live together for mutual benefit. When you find that there is no mutual benefit and that the living together is causing more grief than joy then you know that it is not working. Then you must ask yourself three questions:

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Am I willing to make it work?
What will it take to make it work?
Am I willing to do what it takes?

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If the answer to all of them is in the affirmative, then get on with it and work. If not, then it is time to call it a day. The important thing to do even if you decide to divorce is to remember the first three rules: Truthfulness, concern for the other and mutual respect. Ensure that you don’t do anything that is not scrupulously honest and completely above board. Show concern that the other person should not leave with bad feeling. The divorce is bad enough. Don’t add negative baggage to it. Show respect for each other. You deserve it and your marriage deserves it. Part company if you must but do it in a way that is respectful and honorable.

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What are the Core Responsibilities of the spouses? Are they different for the man and woman?

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In my view it is the Core Responsibility of the man to work and earn a living and take care of the financial responsibilities of the family. It is Core Responsibility of the woman to make the home a place of beauty, grace, and harmony and to focus on the raising of the children. I know this may sound old fashioned to some but just take a look at what the result of the Yuppie and Puppy culture is, and you will come back to the basics soon enough. Having taken care of the Core Responsibility, naturally the man must help around the home, take care of children, water the garden, wash the car, mow the lawn, take out the garbage and not sit in front of the TV with his feet propped up and a bowl of popcorn at his elbow – or whatever passes as its equivalent in your culture.

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Similarly, once the Mom has taken care of her Core Responsibility then it is good if she waters the garden, washes the car, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage and does not sit in front of the TV with her feet propped up and a bowl of popcorn at her elbow – or whatever passes as its equivalent in your culture. I am sure you understand what I mean. Dividing responsibilities is a very good idea. Do it whichever way you like, but do it. Role clarity is essential for a happy marriage and role conflict causes the maximum stress. It is essential for one of the spouses to be dedicated to the raising of children, teaching them life skills, manners, tools of thinking, decision making and the core values of life. Today in the Yuppie and Puppy cultures the idea of raising children seems to be to feed them, ensure that they are washed and dried and entertained. This thinking is the root of all evil. Food, a dry bed, and toys is what your dog needs, not your child.

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Children need a jolly sight more than food, clothing, and shelter if you want to develop a human being who will be your legacy to the world. I believe parents need to dedicate themselves to that because it is critically important. I’ve met many parents who struggled very hard in the early stages of their lives and who say to themselves (and to everyone else) with great feeling and tears in their eyes, “I will never allow my children to face the hardship that I had to go through.” When I hear this statement I say to them, “Please change the wording. Say, ‘I will never allow my children to build resilience, character, and strength. I will never allow them to have the power that I have, to succeed.’ Say this because in effect that is what you are really saying.” For many of them this statement of mine is a shock. They had never thought about their view on upbringing of children in that light.

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If you protect your child and don’t allow him to enter the fray of life and compete, to get his nose bloody and hands dirty in the struggle, to cry with frustration in the night at his failure and then learn to dry his tears and work out new alternatives but to come running to you and you lend him your shoulder and box of tissues for his tears, then remember you are the worst enemy of the child. You are programming him for failure. You are writing the script to destroy his life and to make a parasite out of him who will never have the respect of the world and will forever live in a state of mediocrity laboring under a battered sense of self-worth which in many cases comes out in the form of aggression and overpowering control on his spouse who is the only one on whom he can vent his spleen. Struggle builds strength. Opposition teaches how to fight in the struggle of life. Difficulty teaches how to win. If there was no Goliath, David would have remained a shepherd boy. Many parents don’t understand this and are the architects of their children’s destruction, tragically with the best of intentions.

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Many parents equate expense with quality. They give their children the most expensive education which insulates them from the realities of life and so they never learn to fight the real battles. They give them the most expensive toys which teach them to define human value in terms of material worth (the ‘best’ kids are those who have the best toys). They insulate them from poverty, deprivation, lack of resources and thereby they ‘protect’ them from being exposed to the power of drive, ambition, single minded focus on achieving big, ambitious, scary goals. They build walls between their children and the people who they must in the end, deal with. People who will one day, work in their organizations and decide their fate. People who need to be inspired, led, cared for, and supported. And therefore, people who must be understood. Not simply in order to do good and be charitable but because the success of the business and family depends on the development of these people, the great multitude. The fond parents forget or ignore the fact that one day the time will come for the soft little molly coddled pussy cat to enter the jungle of the real world without any of the tools it needs to survive, much less to lead others.

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Children must be supported but not protected. They must be advised but not told what to do. They must be allowed to take their own decisions but not without the benefit of the frame of reference of the value of honor, fairness, responsibility, accountability, nurturing, and trusteeship. They must be allowed to feel, to cry in the night for the hardships that others undergo, to build friendships and relationships that span the boundaries of color, race, religion, nationality and much more difficult, social order and prejudice. They must learn that to be poor and to be honorable are not mutually exclusive; just as to be rich and to be honorable are not the same thing and don’t happen automatically. They must learn that virtue is a state of mind. A stance, a decision, a position that one takes, not because someone is watching but because of one’s own sense of one’s identity. They must be taught the value of learning and to value those who provide it. Children who are not taught respect for their teachers are deprived of the blessing of knowledge. Today this is a prevalent disease with many of the young and ignorant. Remaining ignorant is a choice, a life threatening choice.

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I do because of who I am. And I become, because I do. They must learn that our actions define us. They must learn that people will define them based on both what they owned and what they contributed. But they will honor them only for what they contributed. Because we are remembered, not for what we had but for what we gave. Only when they are taught to focus on contribution from their earliest childhood will they be able to fight the force of consumerism that is focused on consumption. Blind, self-centered consumption that in the end will consume us all if it is allowed to proliferate unchallenged. If you don’t agree, use condoms. That is far better than producing children who are a nuisance and a painful reality in the lives of others.

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Marriage is another name for adjustment

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They are not called ‘compromises’. They are called ‘adjustment...","status","published","visibility","public","author","Omar Mo","authorId","jfbXv0Mhu0MKaz8OO5QYhKIRqkYBFIX7","createdAt","2022-07-12T01:05:10.000Z","updatedAt","2022-07-12T01:05:18.000Z","publishedAt","category","Marriage","category_slug","marriage","readTime","14 min read","featured",false,"categoryId","2767","tagIds",[54,55,8,56,57,58,59],"2774","1339","408","92","2772","2773","tags",[62,65,67,68,70,71,74],{"_7":54,"_9":63,"_11":63,"_12":13,"_14":64},"adjustment",0,{"_7":55,"_9":66,"_11":66,"_12":13,"_14":64},"compromise",{"_7":8,"_9":10,"_11":10,"_12":13,"_14":64},{"_7":56,"_9":69,"_11":69,"_12":13,"_14":64},"life",{"_7":57,"_9":45,"_11":45,"_12":13,"_14":64},{"_7":58,"_9":72,"_11":73,"_12":13,"_14":64},"MBTI","mbti",{"_7":59,"_9":75,"_11":76,"_12":13,"_14":64},"Myers-Briggs","myers-briggs","featuredImageId","9768","featuredImage","https://cdn.yawarbaig.com/uploads/2022/07/20160529_183417.jpg","categorySlug",{"_7":83,"_22":84,"_11":85,"_25":86,"_27":87,"_29":30,"_31":32,"_33":34,"_35":36,"_37":88,"_39":89,"_41":88,"_42":43,"_44":45,"_46":90,"_48":49,"_50":51,"_52":91,"_60":97,"_77":111,"_79":112,"_81":45},381,"Marriage – the making of it","marriage-the-making-of-it","\n

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Disclaimer: This blog is Muslim centric because the people who asked me the questions leading to it are all Muslim. But I hope you can find things in it which will be useful to you because marriage is after all about humanity because only humans marry. So, please read, enjoy, apply, and benefit and tell me how it goes for you.

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Critical Requirements of Marriage

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Narrated Abu Hurairah (R) that Rasoolullahﷺ said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.

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Many of my young friends who are now getting ready to commit matrimony are asking me for advice about selecting a spouse. My advice is common to both men and women. So here goes with the 6 – critical requirements:

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1. Islam: As Rasoolullahﷺ said in the hadith above, a woman is married for four things, but her religion is the most important. The same applies to the men. So, the first thing to look for is whether your prospective spouse is observant of at least the basics of Islam. These would be the following:

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a. Religion: Salah, fasting, charity (ask about this), Qur’an (can they at least read it fluently? It is a shame that grown up men and women ready to get married can’t even read the Qur’an fluently and correctly with Tajweed.)

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b. Character: Courage, patience, a sense of honor (gheera), confidence, presence, manliness (in men), shyness (in women) modesty (in both), composure, a sense of peace and harmony, comfort with silence, not talking incessantly, dignity.

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c. Appearance: Hijab for the women and beards for the men. You don’t want to marry an effeminate man who looks like a woman. It is confusing. Style (there’s nothing endearing about looking like something the cat threw up). Most men end up looking like their fathers and most women like their mothers. So, take a good look at the father and mother and decide; because that is who you are going to be looking at every morning.

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Caveat: If he/she does not care about what Allahﷻ said, they are not going to care about what you say. Also in a tight spot, if they have Taqwa, it is that which will come to their aid and help to resolve the situation. If it is not there to begin with then there’s a major problem. Finally in a conflict, it is the Qur’an and Hadith that is your final refuge. If they don’t consider that to be important, then you will be up the creek without a paddle. Their beauty will wear out in a few months (you will stop noticing it) and their wealth is not yours anyway. This person will be the one who will assist you in bringing up your children and these children will be the source of your Jannah or your Jahannam. So, if you have someone who is not committed to her/his Deen then you are sunk, no matter how cute they look. So run away, fast. This is critical. Stop reading this right now because if this is not there, the rest of it doesn’t matter.

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2. Forget falling in love: Falling is never a good thing. Love as we know it (from our romantic notions) is simply another word for physical attraction. It lasts usually for 2 weeks. Since you want your marriage to last a bit longer than that, it is a good idea to focus on respect which will grow into love. Not falling into but growing into. What does that mean? It means that 25 years after you have been married every time you look at your spouse you fall in love all over again. Growing in love means evolving a common language of glances, signals, and words that only you two can understand. It is almost magical to see it work. I wish it for all those who read this. That is heaven on earth. So, it is respect, honor and dignity that result in love. This love is where your spouse will stand up for you and defend you, never laugh at you in public, be considerate of your faults and hide them and be focused on the many good things that you bring to the marriage. This love means that she/he will not complain about the difficulties that may happen along the way but will work with you to overcome them and stand in the night and cry before Allahﷻ and ask for His intervention. This is the person who will never leave your side as long as you live and will pray for your forgiveness when you are gone. In my experience this is the only person who you can rely on to do it, for all others will forget after a while.

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3. Manners: If their religion is good, then watch how they treat their servants, parents, other siblings. Watch how they speak to the waiters in the restaurants, drivers and other service people. Do they show kindness and concern for others? Do they have compassion? Do they show respect for others? Table manners are very important as well. Do they say, ‘Thank you or Jazakallah’ and ‘Sorry’? Do they smile often, or do they look like you will have to take them to the dentist to see their teeth. Do they laugh? What kind of jokes do they make?

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Caveat: I know what you are thinking; if their religion is good then their Akhlaaq must automatically be good. But you know as well as I do that today, this can’t be taken for granted. Manners are critical because the day after your honeymoon you are going to be at the receiving end of them. So, you’d better make sure you like what you are about to receive. Kindness, concern, compassion, and a sense of humor are worth their weight in gold. They are what will make your marriage and your home a heaven on earth.

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4. Conversation: What do they talk about? Airheads are of all types, genders and without blond hair and will drive you insane, unless of course you are one of them. Listen to them more than you talk because you are doing the assessment. Look for a breath of knowledge, depth of perception, structured thinking, and overall understanding of situations. Ask what they read, authors, books and topics. See if they are more critical than forgiving; do they look for faults more than look for excuses for those faults; do they talk more about problems or about solutions? Do they talk more about material stuff or about the Aakhira? When they talk about religion are they more critical of others or more focused on their own conduct, shortcomings and need for change? Do they sound like they are dogmatic and bigoted and overly sold on this or that Jamat and critical of all others? In other words, are they focused more on commonalities with others or differences; are they more towards dividing or bringing people together?

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Caveat: Conversation is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without it you have nothing. Most couples stop talking to one another less than six months into the marriage. Make sure you are not one of them and for that you need someone you can talk to, share interests with, respect, are interested in and who you can learn something from. Without conversation your marriage won’t go too far.

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5. Common Life Goal: Look for commonalities in interests, life goal and passions (especially if you are passionate about something). You are going to live together for the next 20-30 years and so you’d better be focused in generally the same direction. Otherwise, you are going to spend a lot of time alone or end up fighting.

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Caveat: You need support in your life goal; whether it is to change the world or to bring up children (it is the same thing, believe me). You need someone who will share your pain and joy, give you ideas and listen to you with interest. You need someone who doesn’t run your life goal down as being unimportant. You need someone who has a life goal that inspires you to invest your time, energy, emotion and thought in. Serious long-term pursuits are the secret of happy marriages. Not kitty parties, boys’ nights out and the bowling alley.

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6. The Family: Look at the whole family; their Aqeeda (Creed), religious practice, culture, habits, lifestyle, norms, and customs. Can you live with them? Some Aqeeda issues are completely incompatible, e.g., families that are into grave worship and dargahs. Other issues may not be totally incompatible but still difficult to live with, e.g., issues to do with purdah, seriousness about Salah and so on.

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Caveat: I know you did not marry the whole family but believe me, especially in our (Middle East, Subcontinent) cultures the family is very much a part of the equation. So if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life fighting to keep your wife or husband on the right track, then you’d better make sure the family is on the same track as you are. The same goes for their lifestyle, manners, food habits, things they give importance to and so on. It is not necessary to have a replica of your own home, but the degree to which there is a difference to that degree you will have to adjust and change. Remember that all change is painful and so the less you have, the happier you will be.

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If you marry into a joint family and must live with your husband’s (or in rare cases) with the wife’s family, then the degree of adjustment will be far more. I am not saying that you should not marry into a joint family but if you do, please do it with your eyes wide open and a big heart, a thick skin, lots of patience and willingness to change yourself and adjust with people. Otherwise, you are headed for sublime torture which will kill your marriage sooner or later. Living in a joint family can be very trying in the here & now but can be very rewarding when you grow old. So, keep your eye on the future and accept the present as the price for not being lonely in your old age and dying alone in an old age home. If you still don’t think you can take it, then don’t marry into a joint family.

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Joint families mean a lot of support especially in the upbringing of children as well as in a whole gamut of situations. But it also means that others will have an opinion about you and will ‘interfere’ with your life. Whether you see that ‘interference’ as concern or as being ‘nosey’ is up to you. Both have consequences. Leaving the family to live on your own may not be an option at all or may be possible only with major heartburn on all sides leaving bruised egos, emotions, and relationships. Not something that you will enjoy and so something much to be avoided if possible.

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Final Words of Caution:

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A word of caution for those intrepid souls who believe they can change others. Allahﷻ kept Hidaya in His Hand. Maybe you can change people and if so all power to you. But more likely you are like 99.9% of the world which only believes that it can change people. Anyone who looks at someone before they marry them and say, ‘I will change him/her and then they’ll be just fine’; is taking their life into their hands, quite literally. If the person you want to marry needs changing, let someone else do it. You leave them alone and go find someone who you can admire and look up to and want to be like.

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Marrying someone by looking at a profile on the internet is like playing Russian roulette: One of the chambers will have a bullet in it. It is a gamble which I would seriously advise you not to take with your life. I have seen too many ruined. If you don’t know enough about your spouse don’t marry them. Islam permits you to make enquiries and to meet the spouse before marriage along with your Mahram to ensure that you find out enough about them. All that I have mentioned above can be ascertained in one or two meetings if you know what you are looking for and keep your eyes open. Make sure you do that.

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Finally let’s not forget; look at all that I have mentioned above and ask yourself, ‘How much do I fit into this myself? How many of the criteria do I meet? Am I likely to be a good spouse for the person I marry?’ Take marriage seriously because happy marriages are made by serious people. Take it seriously because after all it is your life that we are talking about.

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#happiness

Marriage means to adjust

Marriage – the making of it

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