Articles and insights in marriage
Keep confidence. What’s between you two must remain between the two of you only. Nobody else. She’s your Best Friend and you are hers. Respect that relationship and your marriage will be a source of great blessing. Let anyone else into that relationship, mother, father, sibling, anyone, and it’s doomed. It’s as simple as that. And it’s in your control.
Below is a real question and my answer to it. This happened to me in a country that I was visiting at the time to speak about the Seerah (life/way) of Rasoolullahﷺ. A very concerned young woman asked me this question. I answered her. After considering my response, she refused the proposal and lived to be very pleased with that decision. I am mentioning this here so that you know that this is not some hypothetical matter but very real. I am also mentioning this because this is a very common thing in many universities where Muslim boys and girls study together and try to follow their religion, but get confused when it comes to interpersonal relationships, often leading to disaster. I am publishing this in the hope that this will come to the aid of anyone in this situation.
Thank your spouse every day. Several times a day. Because there’s no thanking Allah without thanking the people. So, thank them for all the so-called small things. You will know the value of those small things when they are not there.
Today we live in a world where selfishness is not a sin anymore. However, changing your mind about an evil does not make it good. You will get sick even if you fall in love with the virus. People wanting to get married must learn to think about the other and to consciously give him or her precedence. If you can’t do this, your marriage will break down sooner or later. Our lifestyles, the internet, social networking and talking to people across the world from other cultures, the TV with its unreal, fantasy world of soap operas are all designed to destroy marriages. They promote ideas that are either directly destructive or lead to the killing fields of marriage. These serials glorify disrespect for elders, extramarital affairs, destructive competition, ostentatious consumption and generally behavior that is destructive and negative for all concerned except for those who make the serials. A good marriage is about living in the real world, not in a world that is neither bold nor beautiful.
It is a very good idea to have some frank sharing of thoughts on what is important to you. When this is happening, simply listen. Don’t justify, agree, disagree, or argue. Just listen respectfully and then decide what you love, what you can live with, what you can change in yourself and what you need to talk to the other person about. Most couples, in the courtship stage are too busy on appearing their best and get into a pretense mode that has no relation to what they are really like. Acting can’t be sustained and the mask comes off sooner than later with predictable results. Speak to each other frankly and then decide if you want to get married. During this conversation speak clearly and tell them what the non-negotiables for you are. Don’t try to be politically correct or polite or hide or play down things that you really feel strongly about.
I often ask couples, ‘How many times a day do you thank your wife/husband? How many times a day do you hug or kiss them? How many times a day do you tell them that you love them?’ It is amazing how much we take appreciation for granted. For most people not criticizing is equal to appreciating. It is not. Expressing genuine appreciation is all about being thankful to the other person for all that they have done for you. Rasoolullahﷺ said, ‘The one who has not thanked the person has not thanked Allahﷻ.’ Thankfulness clearly expressed and often is the lifeblood of a good marriage. And remember, doing it often is the key. After all, when things are not going badly, we don’t hesitate to make it known. So why not when they are going well?
Marry someone you believe is worthy of emulation; someone you can look up to and learn to forgive them. The formula of an unhappy marriage is to marry someone who you believe you can change. That is a sure recipe for disaster. When you marry someone who you think needs to be changed you are accepting that they are not good enough as it is. Also, in most cases you would not have asked them if they want to change and that too to your preferred model. And then you will lo and behold that they have other ideas about changing and your marriage will be the casualty. Remember that you are a spouse. Not a therapist. Even if you are a therapist, your spouse is not your patient. No relationship can survive that.
Falling is never a good thing. Love as we know it (from our romantic notions) is simply another word for physical attraction. It lasts usually for 2 weeks. Since you want your marriage to last a bit longer than that, it is a good idea to focus on respect which will grow into love. Not falling into but growing into. What does that mean? It means that 25 years after you have been married every time you look at your spouse you fall in love all over again. Growing in love means evolving a common language of glances, signals, and words that only you two can understand. It is almost magical to see it work. I wish it for all those who read this. That is heaven on earth.
Allah said about the marriage: وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ Rum 30: 21. And among His Signs is this, that He created for you (mates) spouses from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has put […]