All praise and thanks are due only to Allahﷻ the Sustainer of the Universe. We bear witness that He is the only One worthy of worship and has no partners, sons, daughters or shareholders in His Majesty and Power. Our salaam, peace and blessings on our Beloved Master, the Last and Final Messenger of Allahﷻ, Muhammad the Rightly Guided One (Peace and Blessings be on him) after whom there are no more messengers or prophets and on his family, his Companions and all those who follow them till the Last Day. Thereafter: Allahﷻ said in His Blessed Book, Al Qur’an Al Kareem:

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Sura Rum – 30 : 21 And among His signs is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind. So that you might find contentment (sukoon) with them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are signs (messages) indeed for people who reflect (think!)

My brothers and sisters,

As I am sure most of you are aware, marriage in Islam is a legal contract. It is a contract between two people in the presence of witnesses the Best of whom is Allahﷻ Himself before whom this contract is made and to whom the ones making the contract will be accountable. It is therefore essential that they understand what they are contracting to do.

I recited before you an ayah (a verse) from the Qur’an where Allahﷻ speaks about the institution of marriage and mentions specifically three special features of the way He created it. He uses three critical words in this ayah: The first word Allahﷻ used is the word Sukoon, which means tranquility, harmony, and safety.

Allahﷻ said: And among his signs is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind so that you may find Sukoon with them. So what is Sukoon? It is a word that we use in Urdu as well so I am sure all my friends who understand Urdu have an idea about its meaning. In Arabic Sukoon is the opposite of Al – Haraka – or movement.

In Arabic grammar the equivalent of the maatra on the letter is called Al-Haraka which tells us how the letter “moves” meaning, how it is to be pronounced. Diacritical marks (maatras) are symbols added to a letter to change its pronunciation, indicate stress, or distinguish words. They can be squiggles, lines, or dots placed above, below, or through a letter and are essential for many languages, even though they are rarely used in English. When there is a Sukoon on the letter it means that the letter remains as it is and will not move and will be pronounced in its original form.

Allahﷻ has used the term Sukoon as the first purpose of marriage. He said that He creates mates for us so that we may find Sukoon with them. So that we may find contentment with them. The first condition of the contract is that the spouses are undertaking to promise that they will henceforth lead their lives in such a way that they will make their companionship, their home, their being together and their support for one another a source of contentment and Sukoon for each other. They are making Allahﷻ a witness that henceforth they will not look elsewhere other than towards each other for all the requirements of marriage. That their eyes, ears, hearts, hands, feet will not stray away from their spouse. That there will be no Haraka, no movement away from the spouse. I ask Allahﷻ to give them and all those who are here in this gathering, Sukoon with their spouses. It also means that both spouses are promising that they will make an effort to create a home which is a place of Sukoon which they can look forward to returning every day. Like a ship which has braved the trials of an ocean crossing, needs a safe harbor to return to, so also the spouse in a marriage. A harbor with a storm brewing in it, to catch the ship unawares, is disaster. A marriage is a relationship without defenses, because it is based on trust, that the spouse is someone who will never deliberately hurt the other. If that trust is broken, then there is no marriage. That is why Sukoon is the platform, the fundamental foundation of all good marriages. That is what I wish for the spouses here.

The second word that Allahﷻ has used in this ayah is: Al-Mawaddah: where He said: Wa ja’ala bainakum mawaddah: And He puts love between you. This refers to the love that the spouses feel for one another. This love is both physical and emotional. Love is an outcome of respect. We can’t love someone for whom we feel no respect. It is essential therefore for the spouses to pay attention to the good from each other and to forgive the mistakes. The spouses are like mirrors to each other. They reflect what they see but they have selective memory. When a new image comes before the mirror it is reflected with reference to the good from earlier images, whatever it was. Someone sent me a story which talked about writing the good about our friends in stone and writing their mistakes in the dust. One remains for a long time while the other is blown away by the first breeze that comes. I believe this is the single most important secret of a good marriage. To have this selective memory for the good and selective amnesia for the bad. Unfortunately, many people have the opposite which is the root cause of all problems. Good is taken for granted as one’s right. While any mistake is seen as a premeditated crime and treated accordingly. Islam advises the opposite. To forgive not once but 70 times, without reservation, every day.

The biggest, most important and powerful reflection of Rahma (Mercy) is forgiveness. Forgiveness is something without which no human relationship can exist. Not friendship, not business partnership, not a teacher-student relationship, not marriage, not even our relationship of Uboodiyya (worship) of Allahﷻ. Every relationship needs forgiveness. We must learn to forgive one another because one day we will need others to forgive us. So, forgive. Not because they deserve it, but because you love them. And one day you will need them to forgive you for the same reason. Forgive and forget. Don’t remember or remind. Stockpile good memories, not bad ones. For a day will come when memories are all that you will have left. Make sure they will be a source of comfort for you.

There are two critical hacks that preserve, build, and save good marriages. The first is a sense of humor. In a marriage a healthy sense of humor, a happy nature, the ability to laugh, especially at oneself, is not only a lifesaver but a lifeline. To laugh with each other, not at each other. To laugh even when it is the same old joke that you have heard fifty times before. The second is the ability to remain silent. Just pretend you didn’t hear it. After all you are a spouse. Not Sherlock Holmes on a crime scene. Remaining silent gives the other a way out. A door to escape with dignity intact. Keep that door open always, because it is really a door for you.

For the spouse, his or her companion is and must be their best friend. Friends hide each other’s mistakes. They stand for each other and take flack on behalf of the other. They never let the side down. They never rat on each other – meaning, never speak about the weaknesses or anything negative about each other to anyone else. And I mean ANYONE else. No exceptions. The marriage is a contract where the spouses are undertaking to make each other, their best friends from this day on. It is important to remember however that friendship is only as good as the amount of investment you make in it. It is not magic. It is not automatic. It doesn’t just happen. It is made. Consciously. With effort. And the results are directly proportionate to the investment. It is necessary to spend time with your spouse, not with your other friends in some club or hangout joint. It is necessary to develop common interests. It is necessary to take pleasure in each other’s work and activity. It is necessary to support each other in all that is good. It is necessary to ensure that you give critical feedback with care and concern and never sarcastically and never in public. It is essential to remember that between spouses there are no defenses because there is trust. And for that reason, it is essential for the spouses to exercise special care in dealing with each other’s emotions. It is necessary to build a language together, a language of looks, words, signs. A language that over time becomes almost magical in how it enables one spouse to know what the other is feeling without explanation. A language which is a joy to see when you look at those who have been happily married for many years. It is necessary to consciously remember the good that one spouse does for the other, especially when they are having a bad day and are acting strange. This is the love that Allahﷻ talks about when He says that He has put it between the spouses. Like all potential wealth, it must be accessed, or it will remain buried under the sand.

The last word that Allahﷻ used in the ayah is Rahmah: Mercy; when He said: Wa ja’ala bainakum mawadaatawn wa Rahma. Rahma is a special quality of Allahﷻ Himself. It is the mercy that He shows to His creation even when they don’t deserve it. He used this word to describe the relationship between the spouses in the marriage. We are merciful to those who we feel responsible for. We are merciful to our children whereas we may not exercise the same mercy for the children of strangers. However, when you are the teacher in a school the same children become your students, you are merciful to them. The word Rahma in the context of marriage draws our attention to the responsibility that spouses have for one another. It also draws attention to the fact that over the years each has made a lifetime investment in the other. To show Rahma – to be merciful – is to honor that investment and to thank the other for making it. Not to take this for granted. Rahma is also the quality when for reasons of life and destiny, when one of the spouses is unable to look after the other or to satisfy them, the other still treats him or her with love and respect and mercy. Rahma is to give without asking for return. To give because there is a pleasure in the giving itself. Marriage in Islam is therefore a commitment made to each other, of integrity, love, respect and mercy that the spouses are undertaking to make to each other in the presence of Allahﷻ who is Witness to all our thoughts, intentions and actions.

I wish a beautiful marriage where all these blessings are visible and enjoyed for all those present here today. We ask Allahﷻ for His Mercy and Blessing and Protection for us all.