Marrying for josh, not hosh

Question:

I want to get married to this man in my university who says that the best thing for him is to get married to get out of the temptations that surround him. He is still a student on scholarship and has no income or career. What is your advice?

Answer:

جزاك اللهُ خيراً  for your question.

My advice is that you learn to eat grass. If you marry someone without an income, that is what you will need to be able to do at some point.

Sorry to be rude – but as George Bernard Shaw said, ‘You must never be afraid to offend people because that is the only time that they listen.’ I hope you are offended and can wake up from the hormone induced dream that you are in before it turns into a nightmare.

For a man to be suitable to marry, you must look for three things:

  1. How is his Deen?

 

-Is he on the Shari’ah and Sunnah?

 

-Is he particular about avoiding the doubtful things?

 

-How are his manners? Not to you – but to all around him.

 

-Is he argumentative and combative about everything? Is he an auto-refuter?

 

-Is he kind and considerate to those weaker than him? Does he thank the waiter and the doorman?

 

-Is there a smile on his face or a frown? Does he have a sense of humor?

 

-Is he smart? Does he read more than comics? Can you have a serious, sensible conversation with him?

 

-Is his brain bigger than his biceps? (If he proposed to you without an income, I seriously doubt that it is)

 

-Is his language that of inclusion or exclusion – looking down on others who he considers as not so good Muslims as himself?

 

-Does he praise more or criticize more? Is he forgiving of others or eager to expose their faults?

 

-How particular is he about avoiding Haraam (Sorry to point out, but if he was having conversations with you without a Mahram, he and you were already indulging in Haraam)?

 

  1. Can he support himself?

 

-How? Not dreams and smooth talk – but actual nuts and bolts. Here and now?

 

-Has he completed his education? How much longer will that take?

 

-Will his family support this marriage of yours until he can get a job (lousy situation to be in but better than eating grass)?

 

-What is his profession and how soon can he get a job?

 

-What kind of income does he have today and what can he look forward to?

 

-Is that enough to support you and your family?

 

-Believe me, today you may think that you can live on love and sunshine, but I doubt that you can pay your rent with sunshine. Neither will sunshine buy you bread – that’s why I said that you may like to start eating grass because that is free and maybe you can even hire your services out as a walking lawn mower and make some money as well.

 

  1. How compatible are you with each other and each other’s families?

 

-That means that you wake up and ask some basic questions like what do they eat?

 

-Where do they come from? Country and culture. Not race. I have seen marriages between Africans and African Americans break up in six months because Africans and African Americans are two different cultures, even though racially they are the same. Race doesn’t matter. Culture does. Difference is not bad. Incompatibility is. And many a time, difference translates as incompatibility.

 

-What is the relationship and expectation from the parents in law?

 

-How do they live? Are they from a multi-marriage culture where your husband-to-be who can’t resist temptations today will once again not be able to resist temptations and will take unto himself another wife; and perhaps another. So how will you take to that?

 

-What kind of financial background do your husband’s family come from? Is there too much of a disparity?

 

My mother used to say, ‘To patch a tear in a muslin garment you don’t use gold brocade.’

 

Finally of all the dumb reasons to marry is to ‘stay out of temptation’. I know I have just put myself in line for the Fatawa of all my ‘strong’ brothers who will strike me down with this and that Daleel. But before that, let me say to you, my dear sister, in plain words; What he is saying in effect is that he needs a legal means for sex. And you are that means.

 

I especially like the one where these (self-professed religious types) say, ‘But Shaikh, I need to fulfill my needs in a Halaal way.’ So I tell him, ‘When you are the father of a daughter of marriageable age, imagine a person like you coming and saying, ‘Can I have your permission to marry your daughter because I want to satisfy my needs in a Halaal way?’ He will most likely have a sole-ful experience with the sole of your boot. He would if I were the father of the girl. Plus, he would need a complete dental replacement job because I would have persuaded him to swallow his teeth.

 

That is the most insulting thing that you can say to the girl or her parents – please give me your daughter so that I can use her to satisfy my sexual needs. Provided of course that the girl has the intelligence to get insulted. It takes intelligence even to get insulted when you should get insulted, believe me.

 

I am amazed that you don’t find this the most insulting thing that you have ever heard? Doesn’t that tell you what kind of self-centered, others-can-go-to-hell-as-long-as-I-am-satisfied kind of cretin he is? And you are thinking of marrying him? Which proves that the color of the hair is not an indicator of a vacuum in the head.

 

I would have more respect for a man who simply says, ‘I find you very attractive and I want to sleep with you.’ That is an honest statement. It is not Halaal and you mustn’t do it, but it is honest. ‘I want to marry you to get out of the temptations that surround me’, means that you are a placebo to take care of what others are doing to him and his hormones. You are not even an individual worth recognizing except as a receptacle for his biological donations. And you don’t find that insulting?

 

Absolutely insane.

 

So, what happens when the hormones are not boiling over any longer? He’s not marrying you for yourself. He is marrying you for himself. That is the worst reason to get married to anyone for. Believe me and wake up. Or keep sleeping and find out for yourself when the dream turns into a nightmare. After all nightmares are also dreams.

 

I will tell you what happens in 9 cases out of 10. When things get too tough and you demand time, attention and money, he will walk away and you will be left holding the baby – quite literally. Then what are you going to do?

 

Even there he will have a great and holy reason why he must abandon you and will give you stories of how this one and that one sacrificed herself to help her husband to earn Jannah. Believe me, his conscience will be clear and when he gets to wherever he is headed he will find someone else like you to swallow his story about satisfying his needs in a Halaal way. Really you women are so dumb. As I said, I seriously hope that you and all those women who read this get seriously offended and start thinking before you ruin yourselves for some charlatan’s smooth talk.

 

Wake up and answer this questionnaire and if he comes out on top, by all means marry him. If not suggest to him to take cold showers – maybe he should put his bed in the shower – and you focus on your education.

 

You came to the university to study. Not to look at boys. He came to study. Not to look at girls. Concentrate on your education. Get a distinction. And go home. And then see what Allahﷻ has in store for you in terms of your Rizq – a husband you can look up to and be proud of. A husband who will be proud of you and treat you like a princess all your life. Not someone to satisfy his sex needs.

 

 

 

I wish you all the best in this world and the next.”

Glossary: Josh (passion), Hosh (intelligence)

 

Advice to those about to commit matrimony

Do you want to remain happily married?

Then don’t do 3 things and do 3 things:

DON’T:

COLLECT GARBAGE: Have a selective memory. Remember only good and forget all bad. Garbage always stinks and only you will smell it.

TRY TO MOULD, CHANGE OR SCULPT: If you didn’t like what you saw, why did you marry? If you liked what you saw, why do you want to change it? Your spouse is not a rock, a lump of clay or a patient in your hospital. They didn’t marry you to be changed. So change yourself to like them.

CRITICIZE: Nagging never works. If he wanted a nag he’d have married a horse. Forgive and seek forgiveness. Nothing works like SORRY. Do you want Allah to forgive you? Then forgive your spouse and thank them for giving you so much practice.

DO:

LAUGH: Always at yourself and with others. A sense of humor is like air. You need it to remain alive. Laugh especially when you’re having problems. Laugh at yourself for marrying someone so irritating…and you thought you were clever. And laugh because she was stupid enough to marry you. Couples who can laugh together, stay together.

THANK: Thank your spouse because there’s no thanking Allah without thanking the people. So thank them for all the so-called small things. You will know the value of those small things when they are not there.

SHOW YOUR LOVE: Demonstrate your affection. They’re not mind readers. Even if they are, they like to see it. So show it. And do that at least three times a day. I’ve been married 30 years and at least I’m happy, so I should know.

Last two as a bonus: Say yes as much as possible. Say no only to things which are against the Shariah. Smile a lot. Keep your mouth shut especially if you’re angry. And remember that perfect happiness is only in Jannah.

Finally: Give her your cheque book. Tell her it’s hers to manage. If she spends it all you’ll both fast until next pay day. If she needs more money she should ask Allah for it in Tahajjud. Make her the authorized signatory in the bank. And live happily ever after.

Parting shot: All of the above applies equally to both spice…my plural of spouse. That’s why they call marriage the spice of life.

They don’t? Well, they should.

Marriage Notes

Allah said about the marriage:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Rum 30: 21. And among His Signs is this, that He created for you  (mates) spouses from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He has put between you love and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect

The marriage is based on three principles: Sukoon, Mawaddah, Rahma

Sukoon (Tranquility):

No movement away from the spouse…heart, eyes, company. You are and must become each other’s best friends, confidants, supporters and advisers.

No public arguments or contradicting each other before others under any circumstances.

No carrying tales about each other to anyone else…absolutely anyone else. Especially NOT to your parents.

Settle differences mutually between yourselves because you’re adults
If you’re not adults, don’t get married.

Tranquility of the home is critical– No storm in the port.

No running battles at home – no scoring points over one another – no power struggles at home.

Don’t nag. If he wanted a nag he would have married a horse. So would she.

Do the small things: Those small thoughtful, tender, loving things that touch the heart.

Don’t do the small things: Those small petty, irritating, aggravating things that make them angry.

Just because he/she is silent it doesn’t mean they’re happy. Silence can hide many things including disgust, grief, hopelessness, despair and anger.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don’t keep it inside. It will fester and grow until it bursts. Let out the steam before it blows up the cooker. But let it out with concern. Don’t blame but talk about how it affected you. Don’t say, “You insulted me.” Say, “When you said that, I was very hurt.”

Remember that marriage is about trust. Trust means that there are no barriers between you, no defences. So take special care because your words will go straight to the heart. And no matter what, you can heal the sick but you can’t raise the dead. Words can kill more effectively than weapons so consider carefully before speaking anything negative.

Never react. Respond after thinking and only if you need to. And do that appropriately in the right place at the right time.

Always defend each other…their honor is your honor. What hurts your spouse, hurts you.

No arguments at the dining table and in the bedroom. Show only concern and affection.

No screens (TV, phone, iPad) at the dining table or bedroom. Give each other attention.

Mawaddah (Love)

Enjoy each other physically, mentally, spiritually.

Enjoy mentally by good conversation and humor (Laugh with, not at). Never bad-talk your spouse directly or indirectly. Humor is fine. Mocking is shameful.

Enjoy spiritually by praying together. Couples who pray together, stay together.

Show love…not on anniversaries but every day. An apple 🍎 a day keeps the doctor away. A kiss a day keeps the lawyer away.

Show mutual respect in every way. Disrespecting your spouse is to insult yourself.

Demonstrate affection appropriately and at the right time and place but demonstrate it. Don’t leave it to them to guess. Be embarrassed about disputing in public and about disobeying Allah. Not about showering your spouse with affection.

There’s nothing cute about laughing at your spouse. It just shows that you’re a lousy decision maker. If he’s such a joker why did you marry him in the first place. Change him to her..same message.

Show that you trust and never betray trust. Remember that it takes a lifetime to build trust and one action to destroy it. After that you may be forgiven but you’ll never be trusted again. Don’t do that to yourself.

Never lie. Never cheat. Always be truthful because even if you can deceive your spouse, you can’t deceive Allah.

Express thanks verbally, nonverbally and daily. Don’t assume that they know. Allah knows but He said that He would increase the blessings you show gratitude for and warned of punishment for those who don’t express gratitude. Expressing gratitude is about you and your character. Not about the other.

Spend time together: Love needs nurturing and nourishment like a beautiful plant. Without that it will wither and die.

Mulaqaatain Zaroori Hain,
Agar Rishtay Bachanay Hain,
Laga Kar Bhool Janay Se To Poday bhi Sookh Jatay Hain…Ghalib

Raazdani Zaroori Hai,
Agar Rishtay Nibhany Hain,
Rishtay fursat kay nahin tawajjo kay mohtaj hotay hain…my concoction.

A marriage is not a hobby. Marriage is commitment which earns huge rewards but needs attention and maintenance. It’s not a machine that runs on its own. It’s a beautiful rose garden that you have to tend and nurture to be able to enjoy. Others can’t do it for you. You have to grow your own roses. Remember finally that even the most beautiful and fragrant roses have thorns.

The home is not a hotel. Couples must spend quality time together every day…not just on holidays. Being bodily present before the TV imbibing popcorn doesn’t amount to spending time together.

One meal and one prayer together as a family every day is mandatory. Build this into your schedule. Change your work if you need to but don’t compromise on this.

Wake up each other for Tahajjud because Allah loves the man who wakes his wife up for Tahajjud and the woman who wakes her husband up for Tahajjud. If you have Allah’s love your marriage can’t go wrong.

Don’t criticise each other for anything other than violation of religious duties. Even that, don’t criticize but advise lovingly. Then make special dua for your spouse.

Your spouse is your asset. Treat them like assets. Care for them, protect them, maintain them, pamper them, make sure that they’re well and happy.

Make sure your earning and food is always Halal. It affects your marriage positively. Haraam earnings and doubtful food poisons your marriage and life. Halal earnings and food have Baraka, give Izzah, protect against illness and loss and earn Allah’s pleasure.

Rahma (Mercy)

Maintain a Book of Good Deeds: Write down daily whatever good you receive from your spouse no matter how small.

Keep it in a place accessible to both and read it daily. This encourages each other to do good and to remember it at times when things are tough.

Forget anything bad. Don’t demand apologies but always hasten to offer your own. Be gracious when your spouse apologises because one day you’ll need that grace yourself.

Never remind about negatives from the past. Don’t stockpile garbage. Or you’ll have to smell the stink yourself.

Remember and be mentally prepared for tough times, materially, mentally and spiritually. They will come but if you’re connected with Allah and recall the good you received from one another you’ll sail through them.

Consciously thank one another and thank Allah. Any time you feel you’re getting a raw deal, look at someone who’s worse off. Sadly plenty of examples of that all around.

Thank Allah for your spouse. If he/she is good, you should be thankful. If not it’s an opportunity for Sabr and Allah is with those who have Sabr. So thank Allah always.

Beware of hurting the pious spouse for she’s connected to Allah. If she’s helpless against you and calls upon her Rabb, He’ll answer her. Never put yourself in that position. Same advice for bossy, aggressive wives lording it over submissive husbands.

Marriage is another word for adjustment. Adjustment means to understand that you have to give up something to get something. What you get in a good marriage is far superior to whatever you give up in terms of career, freedom or friends. Never forget that.

If you don’t believe that, don’t get married because a marriage ruined for a career, friends or freedom is suicide and Hell on earth.

Remember that Allah will reward you for every time you behave with Sabr so be patient. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the bad time that you’re going through.

A closed mouth gathers no evil. So speak good or remain silent. What you didn’t say can’t hurt you, so don’t say it.

Finally remember that mercy is to return good in exchange for evil. Not good for good. We expect that from Allah as we expect forgiveness for our sins.

Rasoolullah (S) said that Allah will show mercy to those who show mercy to others. Show mercy because you’ll also need mercy one day

May Allah fill your life with grace, Baraka and Rahma.