It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault


On April 13, 1919, the 9th Gurkhas, 54thSikhs & 59th Sind Rifles, on the orders of Col. Dyer, fired on an unarmed, peaceful crowd gathered to celebrate Besakhi at the Jalianwala Bagh in Amritsar. As a result, 1000 people died and perhaps three times that number were injured. Even though, the crowd was overwhelmingly Sikh, one of the platoons firing on them was the 54th Sikhs. The interesting thing is that Col. Dyer himself didn’t fire a single round. An even more interesting thing is that if one were to ask each of those soldiers why he fired, he would have given the same answer, “It’s not my fault. I was only following orders.”

The same thing happened to the Germans that led to the deaths of 6 million Jews and others on the orders of Hitler who personally perhaps never killed even a chicken. Stalin’s orders resulted in the deaths of 20 million Russians, not one of whom had the honor of meeting his Maker at the hands of Stalin. Today, as we watch in shameful silence, thousands of Rohingya Muslims are the victims of a genocide which is the latest in the long list of genocides with which the human race visits itself. Poor lemmings get the rap for being suicidal. Nobody is more suicidal than human beings. We are constantly engaged in attempting to send each other into the pages of history and so should be renamed from Human Beings, to Human-Were. That would also explain our inherent brutality and barbarism, which we have been taught to believe is an animal tendency and not worthy of humans. Mercifully no animals went to my school and so no loud protests were heard at this singularly blatant lie.

It is humans and only humans that kill for no reason, torture, rape and devise ever more innovative ways of causing harm to each other. I don’t think we should so easily give up this differentiator of our species to mere animals. No wonder that Hitler apart we have always glorified the perpetrators of genocide, like Alexander the Great (why The Great?) who slaughtered his way all the way from Macedonia to India. Julius Caesar who slaughtered a million Gauls fighting for their land, trying to keep it from being civilized by Rome and said, “Today was a good day.” Or Genghis Khan who did far more than these two genocidal maniacs put together, just for fun. Then we talk about the importance of peace. This is a bit of an aside but when you are writing your own articles which you publish on your blogs and don’t care who reads them, you can take this liberty without the fear of your article being returned by a recalcitranteditor.

To return to my theme, ask any of those who actually do the killing and you will get the same answer, ‘It’s not my fault. I was only following orders.’

You can observe the same attitude of ‘learned helplessness’, with those who fall into negative patterns in life, alcohol, smoking, narcotics or other addictions. They all have the same refrain, ‘It’s not my fault.’ But ask them who is suffering? Who is getting cancer and worse? Who is paying for it from his pocket as well as in more painful ways and you get reactions ranging from the sheepish look to anger directed at you, not recognizing that it is really directed at themselves. This is what leads to my hypothesis, which is that people don’t like to grow up.

We all follow the same life cycle. We are born, naked and helpless. If we were to be abandoned at that stage, we would certainly be dead in a few hours at the most. There is nothing we can do to help, defend or support ourselves. We are a piece of living meat. Nothing more. It is our external environment which protects us, sustains us, takes care of our every need and does so at its own cost. We learn to simply take it all as our birthright (sic!) without a word of thanks; firstly, because we are too little to say it and then later, because, well, it is my birthright, right? Our job as babies is to feel sad, glad, bad, mad and yell like hell if we don’t like it, content in the knowledge that someone will come to our aid. The fact that you are reading this is proof that they did. At this stage in life, that is the best strategy and frankly the only one as you are truly helpless. We also learn another lesson; that the external environment determines my happiness and so if I am not happy, it must have to do with the external environment. Also since the external environment is so critically important to my survival, I must obey, or I will perish. These are the lessons of childhood that we all learn.

I am reminded of the time when I went to an elephant training camp deep in the forest in the Indira Gandhi National Park in the Anamallais. There I saw an enormous bull elephant, tethered with a coconut fiber rope, to a stake driven into the ground. What I noticed about this animal, apart from his huge size and very dark color (I have never seen a bigger Asian elephant and he was almost completely black) was not only that it was tethered by this ridiculous rope which couldn’t possibly hold him, even if he simply decided to start walking away, but that the leg with which it was tethered didn’t move at all. It was as if it was paralyzed. The elephant, like all elephants, rocked back and forth as he stood, swaying to a tune only he could hear in his heart. In that process, he lifted his other feet. But the foot which was tethered stayed in the same place.

I knew the answer, but decided to check with the keeper, his Mahawat. I asked him if the elephant couldn’t rip out the stake or snap the rope and walk away if he wanted. The Mahawat laughed and said, ‘Of course Dorai. That silly rope can’t hold him.’

‘Why doesn’t he do it then?’ I asked.

‘Because he believes that he can’t. He believes that the rope is too strong for him to break.’

‘Why is that?’ I asked.

‘You see, when he was a young calf, we would tether him to the same stake with the same rope. At that time, he would fight with all his strength against the rope and squeal with rage when it wouldn’t snap and the stake wouldn’t yield. He was too small to break the rope then. Gradually over a few weeks, he learned a very valuable lesson. Valuable for us, otherwise we would never be able to train him. The lesson he learned was the rope is too strong to break and that we are stronger than he is. That lesson remains with him all life long, even when he is not a calf anymore. As I said, that is a very good thing for us. The day he realizes that his strength, which he uses to push down a full-grown tree to get at a succulent bunch of leaves on top can also be used against this rope and us, he will be free and we will have to run for our lives. But not to worry, he will never realize that. He will always be our slave.’

In the same way, it would have been no problem if our condition remained the same and we continued to remain one-year old all through life. But we don’t. We grow up physically, our environment changes, we change physically but the problem is that many, if not most of us, don’t change mentally and emotionally. So, we have forty-year-old bodies with four-year-old minds. That is why they say, ‘The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.’ This is where the problem begins, not at forty years of age, but because we don’t learn the lesson that with a change in environment, new skills must be learnt, if you want to survive and grow. But our conditioning of decades comes in the way because we have learned to like this dependence on the external environment, the fact that we can blame everything on it, feel free to do whatever we like without taking responsibility for it and go through life imagining that as long as we have someone to point a finger at, we are not accountable.

Emotional maturity is the process whereby we break the cycle of infancy and accept the fact that we are adults. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. This means that we accept responsibility for ourselves and our well-being as well as the responsibility for those whose lives we touch. We are aware of our strengths and of the fact that we are a fractal, the coming together of which, with others makes society whole.

To do this there is a critical step that one needs to take which is to understand his/her autonomy i.e. freedom to act according to our will. Simply put, that is not such a big deal. We are all happy to consider ourselves free to act according to our will. What some of us have trouble with, is to recognize that we are free to choose but every choice has a price tag. If we make a choice, we automatically pay the price. In the Vietnam war, American soldiers committed all kinds of horrific atrocities, napalmed entire villages and burned the inhabitants alive, dropped bombs like confetti at a party and did other things, too horrible to be written about here. All following orders. But the tragic fact is that it was not only the Vietnamese who suffered, but that after safely returning home, almost the same number of American Vietnam War Veterans died of PTSD, Agent Orange and other war stress related problems and suicide, as the number killed in Vietnam. The Vietcong didn’t kill them. They paid the price of obeying orders in Vietnam. A price which they didn’t consider when obeying those orders. But a price that was rung up at the till nevertheless. We must pay for what we buy. Always.

Autonomy is to understand this and to be very careful about what you buy, because sometimes the price is far higher than we can afford.

Truly it is said that all wars are the poor of one country killing the poor of another for the benefit of the rich of both. Only when soldiers understand this, will we have a world without war. The ‘excuse’ I am usually given when I say these things is, “Well if they shoot you and use their army to kill you, what choice do the poor people have?” I say that poor people, including you and me still have the choice of standing up and dying. Not lying down and dying. For dying, we will all do one day. The choice is how. It is not important whether you win or lose a battle. What is important is which side you fought on. The reality is that if enough of us choose to take positive, courageous stances this world will change.

Oppressors can’t function without supporters. Those fighting oppression, can. 

Even one person standing up for justice inspires a million others. Recall the iconic pictures of the one person standing before the tank in the long-forgotten Tiananmen Square. Yes, that still didn’t stop the massacre which the US, UN, U&Me have all chosen to forget. Yet that image lives on and inspires me at least. And I am sure many more. It is a tribute to people of courage that this was not the only such instance, photographed or not. So, to repeat myself, ‘Oppressors can’t function without supporters. Those fighting oppression, can.’

Autonomy is to understand that we, each one of us individually, is incredibly powerful. That all change begins with the individual person, man or woman. It is only when one person stands up, that others join. As in the case of Spartacus the Hollywood movie about the slave who fought the Roman Empire and eventually lost. When the slave army was defeated and surrounded, the Roman Commander announced, ‘If you give up Spartacus, your lives will be spared and you can go back to your former jobs (as slaves). If not, every one of you will be crucified.’ There was silence.

Then one man stood up and said, ‘I am Spartacus.’

Then another stood up and said, ‘I am Spartacus.’

Then a third and a fourth until the entire slave army stood up together and proudly shouted, ‘I am Spartacus.’

That is because Spartacus had changed, from being a person, to being an ideal, a goal worth dying for, a legacy worth leaving behind.

That is the power of autonomy.

I know that what I described above is Hollywood’s rendering and a liberal dose of imagination, but nevertheless it makes the point of what I am saying here, that when people choose to exercise their autonomy, good things happen, change happens, human dignity is restored and the world is a better place to live in.

And the alternative?

Keep blaming the world for your failures, your laziness and your inertia. Keep watching as someone just like you, is dragged off a United Airlines flight and tell yourself, ‘It’s not my fault. I am helpless. It is not the fault of those dragging him off either. They are only following orders. Nothing will change even if I stand up and walk out. Nobody will stand up with me. I will only miss my flight. Etc. etc.’

And United is not the only one. Other airlines are not to be left behind in ensuring the best customer service. https://tgam.ca/2fDfnAz
Stand in a queue at a bank in India and watch as an old man standing in the same queue ahead of you, falls dead. As they take the body away, move one place ahead. Do it quietly as if nothing happened. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Just move forward. After all, what can you do if someone just drops dead? What can you do when you also need to get into the bank to get your money out because your government decided to play games with your life’s savings? What can you do when you finally do reach the teller, he tells you, ‘Sorry we have no cash. We have run out of notes.’ It is not his fault, is it? It is certainly not yours. So, whose fault, is it?’ Stop asking stupid questions. Go home and come earlier tomorrow. After all you can’t rely on someone to conveniently die every day to give you a place ahead, can you?

Sit on your sit-upon, in your nice seat in the UN General Assembly and listen to the soul stirring speech of the President of the United States (no less) declaring that he is prepared to evaporate North Korea and wipe it off the face of the map. Try to imagine what the world map will look like with a blank space where North Korea used to be. Try to imagine what the world map looks like today with North Korea where it is. North who? Try to imagine the effect of nuclear weapons today that make the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, look like party crackers. Remember that they were dropped also on the orders of another President of the United States of America – not ISIS. Try to imagine what will happen to Japan and China and Russia if North Korea is the target of a nuclear strike.

Ignore the voice which is whispering in your ear, “What do you think you should do now?”

“Who? Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“I have no orders from my government to do anything. Do you know who this is? This is the President of the United States of America. Even more importantly, it is Donald Trump, Esq. What will I do? Nothing. It is not my fault. I have to follow orders. I need my job. I am not here to change the world.”

“Then why are you in the United Nations General Assembly?”

Ignore it. Say nothing. Do nothing. Gradually it fades away. Gradually it dies. You will feel it in your heart. You will feel the dead weight. But not to worry. You will get used to it.

Just like those who sent children to gas chambers in Nazi Germany got used to it. Just like those who shoot a pregnant Palestinian mother in the belly and say, ‘Two in one’, got used to it. Just as those who are raping pregnant Rohingya women, then ripping open their bellies and throwing their unborn children into the fire, got used to it. Just like those police officers in India who shoot under-trial prisoners and call it an ‘Encounter Killing’ and are extolled in the Indian press and media as ‘Encounter Specialist’, got used to it.

That killing an innocent person is murder according to the IPC and CrPC which the same police officers are sworn to uphold, is a mere detail, best ignored. More important to ‘solve’ cases and save the State time and money which otherwise would be spent in tedious investigation, collecting evidence, producing it before the judge, arguing the case and waiting for the judgment; anxious all the while that it may go against you because your evidence was manufactured and not discovered. Meanwhile, the State pays for the prisoner’s housing and food (so what if that is in prison?). So much easier and cheaper to use one single bullet in the back of the head. And announce the next day to the ever-ready press, ‘Prisoner was killed in an encounter.’

After all, just like you, Mr/Ms. UN Delegate, all these people are also following orders. They also need their jobs. Strange, that they also have their own wives who they love very much. They also have children they dote on. Yet they don’t see the faces of those they love in those they oppress, rape and murder. To them, it is only their own flesh and blood who have names. Others are merely numbers, labels and objects of hate. If you don’t believe me, raise a chicken as a pet, give it a name that it responds to and then one day, try to slaughter it for dinner.

The very meaning of autonomy is to take a stand. To stand up and say, ‘No matter what orders, no matter that I need the job, no matter what anyone says, I will not be a part of injustice.’

It is to stand up and say, ‘There is a price to pay for standing up and a price to pay for keeping silent. I will stand up because I know that the price to pay for remaining silent is far higher.’

Remember the words of Pastor Martin Niemoller (14, January, 1892-6 March 1984)

“First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Communist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Living is about choosing. To take a stand is a choice. To do nothing is also a choice. 
And all choices have price tags.

That is why I ask myself, “If not now, then when? If not me, then who?”
Turkey –  2016 Coup aftermath

Turkey – 2016 Coup aftermath


The coup in Turkey failed and democracy was saved. The president Tayyip Erdogan got a real vote of confidence where ordinary people from all walks of life came out in support of his call to defeat the coup and Allahhelped them. Subsequently a state of emergency has been declared in Turkey and over 60,000 people have been arrested. Admittedly it is stated that those arrested are not being tortured. But what is the credibility of such a claim made by the arresting party? I also want to point out that torture is not only physical. What do you think happens to a man/woman and his/her family who is suddenly arrested without any charge and taken away for an indefinite period, probably to an unknown location with the family being unable to remain in touch? Then when the case comes up and there is no evidence and the person is freed, the judgment doesn’t say, ‘He is innocent.’ It says, ‘The police were not able to produce sufficient evidence.’ Meanwhile his job, reputation, relationships, family’s reputation, police record (which he will need if he applies for a passport or any government job) are all destroyed. Many have to even leave the city they live in because they are boycotted by neighbors. All this for the one who returns proven innocent. Who says that the knock in the night is not torture?

The alleged (alleged only as of this writing as there is no concrete evidence yet) perpetrators of the coup are Fethullah Gulen and his followers of the Hizmet Movement.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about the Hizmet Movement:

Most Gülen Movement schools are private; its educational footprint extends to over 160 countries. In 2009 it was estimated that members of the Gülen Movement run schools in which more than two million students receive education. Estimates of the number of schools and educational institutions vary widely; it appears there are about 300 Gülen Movement schools in Turkey and over 1,000 schools worldwide.

Movement participants have set up a number of media organizations to promote its core values such as love, tolerance, hope, dialogue, activism, mutual acceptance and respect. These media organs include TV stations (Samanyolu TV, Mehtap TV), (Ebru TV) (English), the newspapers Zaman, Today’s Zaman (English), magazines and journals in Turkish like Aksiyon, Sızıntı, Yeni Ümit, The Fountain Magazine (English), Hira (Arabic), The International Cihan News Agency and the radio station Burç FM (tr).

In short the Hizmet Movement is spread over 160 countries with over 2 million students. And these are only estimates. By its very nature of being highly decentralized and secretive accurate numbers are not available (not even sure if Gulen himself knows) but in my opinion the actual number, if anything, would be more, not less. In short, it is a movement with a huge number of followers all over the world. To go into its history a little bit; the Hizmet Movement was designed to infiltrate the army and civil administration but even more importantly to do this by bringing about a change in mindset of the people, because it was the Kemalist Junta who were ruling Turkey. Hizmet operated on the age old principle of shaping minds of the youth. The Jesuits say, “Give us your child for the first five years of its life. Then take him back. He’ll always be ours.” Childhood conditioning is the most powerful. They did this very successfully resulting in the establishment of democracy in Turkey and its return to Islam without a military intervention. That itself is a very major phenomenon of the use of civil power that we were all witness to. That is how Erdogan came to power and introduced so many welcome changes of freeing Masaajid from slavery of the military, introduction of Quranic teaching, use of Arabic in Adhaan, permission for women to wear hijab and other things. We need to remember that none of this would have happened had it not been for the enormous ground work done by Hizmet. Done very subtly and secretively under the noses of the Military Junta rendering them ineffective and changing the mindset of the nation.

This is a very major phenomenon of social engineering sustained over 50 years or more that must be studied. Erdogan is a beneficiary of it without doubt. If there had been no Hizmet, there would have been no Erdogan. That is the truth; perhaps not so palatable today, but still the truth. All through that time Erdogan was with them. Later he fell out with Gulen but it was Gulen who was the Shaikh and the mastermind behind the movement without which Turkey would still have been the godless secular anti Muslim country it was, which Kemal Ataturk made of it. The ability of Gulen to inspire millions of people over at least two generations to work according to his principles is a feat not achieved by many. The highly decentralized nature of the movement, strong ideological commitment and loyalty of members to their leader and their willingness and ability to quietly do their work without any formal public appeals for funds has few parallels in history. It is a very big mistake to allow dislike for a person to cloud one’s perception of his strengths. That is what Erdogan seems to be in danger of doing.
In the case of the failed 2016 coup perhaps Gulen used the same network against him. I say perhaps because suspicion is not evidence. But assuming that the allegations are correct, Gulen’s sin was losing. And of course his weakness was in not being able to let go of power when his aims had been achieved. He should have stepped back and let Erdogan have the limelight. True, Erdogan may not have been toeing the exact line that Gulen drew but that is the nature of powerful successors; they paint the landscape in their own colors. However, the wisdom of the founder lies in taking satisfaction from the fact that only the colors of the picture have changed, not its structure. Gulen’s aim was to Islamize Turkey. Erdogan was doing that par excellence. Gulen should have left him alone and let him carry on and support his work, directly and indirectly. Instead, he demonstrated his own humanness (aren’t we all human?) by playing power games. And he lost. Losing is the cardinal sin.
What now?
I made some recommendations in my article:
Arrest and try those who actually killed civilians in the coup and let the courts pass sentence. Investigate suspected supporters of the coup and take action depending on the nature of their support. Once again, suspicion in not evidence in law. Any action taken without evidence is unislamic and illegal and will attract justified criticism. Erdogan must minimize all possible criticism as he is going to get a good bit of it in any case as he is not short of enemies. So don’t add to that by taking actions that can’t be defended in law.

The coup proved beyond doubt that the people of Turkey now view Erdogan as their rightful leader. Let’s reflect: the two critical factors that enabled the success of the coup were that CNN Turk was allowed to function and broadcast Erdogan’s appeal to the people to come out in the streets and the fact that his plane was not shot down though there were F16s of the coup rebels in the air. Thirdly despite the fact that there were so many tanks and armored carriers on the street, there was no bloodbath like in Tiananmen Square in Beijing. Ask yourself, ‘What prevented the F16s from shooting down Erdogan’s plane? What prevented the tanks from firing on the people? What prevented them from destroying CNN Turk’s ability to broadcast? Or why didn’t the operator simply refuse to broadcast Erdogan’s message?’ I would say that all these incidents (and I am sure there will be more if we analyze in more detail) show that Erdogan is seen as the rightful leader. People’s hopes are in him and they look up to him. Soldiers may come out into the street on the command of their generals because they have little choice but to obey; but having got there, to pull the trigger or not is at their discretion and they didn’t. Same is true about the F16s. So as far as Erdogan was concerned when he landed safely at Istanbul, he had won and the coup was defeated. This is where I have suggested following the example of Rasoolullahby showing mercy and not taking revenge. Honor those who were loyal. But honor even more those who could have harmed you but didn’t. They too deserve your mercy, perhaps even more.

Erdogan by his purges may root out some of the Gulenists but who will take their place? I would seriously doubt if the purges can even root out all those who sympathize with Gulen. After all, if the organization is really so secretive that it evaded the Turkish Military Junta for decades, what is the chance that suddenly Erdogan will be able to find every last one of them. And their leader, Fethullah Gulen is safely in the US anyway, but now able to capitalize on the sympathy wave and righteous anger with the arrest of every innocent person that Erdogan’s purge will create. They are talking of shutting down Hizmet schools. Who will be effected? The children of common people. Will this generate love for Erdogan? How much easier to monitor what they teach and leave the schooling system intact. Finally, even if Erdogan does all this, it will be only in Turkey; 1/160 countries that these schools operate in.

There are no vaccums in life. They always get filled. Only Erdogan won’t know who is taking the place of Gulenists. After all we are talking about feelings and thoughts and nobody can see those. Remember that these people have been successful because they are good at working quietly. Also all oppressive actions only strengthen the rebel and provide perfect proof for the need to rebel and are great recruiting material. It is a big mistake to provide grist to the mill of rebellion by your actions. By not showing mercy he’s playing into the hands of his enemies. At this time, he must show patience and maturity. Not anger. We stand out by what we do differently from others. Not by behaving like them. Rasoolullah didn’t eliminate his enemies by purging and killing them but by killing enmity. He showed mercy which removed the rai·son d’ê·tre for rebellion. He took the higher moral ground which took the wind out of the sails of his enemies. People who could have justifiably been put to death or imprisoned were freed. People who could have been financially ruined by being forced to pay compensation for the harm they did to the followers of Rasoolullahwere let off. How could anyone then raise a voice against him? He ended enmity, ended mutual hatred and the Ummah was born. He is our example. Erdogan’s example. I hope he follows it. The argument, ‘but others do the same’, doesn’t hold because they don’t have Rasoolullahas their role model. We do. We must show the difference. We must stand out. We must write history. There are only two kinds of people, those who write history and those who are its statistics. It is time to choose.

What to do about Gulen? First of all, stop making charges that can’t be proved – calling him a traitor and his movement a terrorist movement. Large scale arrests and detentions give the impression of running scared; or impending totalitarian dictatorship. Especially when this is not something that is intended, it is essential to lay all misgivings to rest by complete transparency. Don’t give the opposition a chance to level charges that appear to be true. It is not only important that justice is done but that it appears to be done. Allegations are not evidence. Suspicion is not evidence. When you have evidence bring the charges. Until then remain silent. Deal with those who participated in the coup as I have suggested earlier and so won’t repeat here. As for Gulen, I would definitely get him back on my team. Too much talent to lose. And too dangerous to have him as an enemy with US backing. Very stupid to continue the feud. As I said, he may not return but Erdogan would have taken the higher moral ground. Always better to know what your enemy is up to and keep him close to you. If he is far away, you don’t know what he’s doing and you’ll be more vulnerable. As Lenin said and which I quoted: I’d rather have him inside my tent pissing outside rather than outside pissing inside.

All this takes wisdom and patience. Not anger.

As for the charges of treason, sedition and so on, the question to ask is, ‘Who defines what is treason?’ Going against the government of the day is not treason. If going against the government of the day is defined as treason, then every freedom movement begins with treason. History is full of examples of those who were branded ‘traitor’ and hanged but whose blood sustained the struggle and gave it more strength until it overthrew those who hanged their leaders. It is oppressive retaliation, unprovable accusations and harsh punishments which sow the seeds for the ultimate destruction of those who have power. It is very important for Erdogan not to fall into that trap.

Erdogan is indeed the best Muslim leader we have today. This coup is a defining moment for him. It is up to him how he wants to use it. As a means of inspiring future generations by writing his own name in history. Or by having his name written in history by others showing him as someone who lacked the patience and foresight to overcome his anger. Anger is fire. The result is always ash.

I want to end by a beautiful story of Imam Ash Shafi and his student.

It is said that Yunus Ibn ‘Abd al-A’ala (a student of al-Imam ash-Shafi’i) differed with his teacher, al-Imam Muhammad Ibn Idrees ash-Shafi’i, over an issue while he was delivering a lesson in the mosque. So he angrily got up and went home.

At night, Yunus heard a knock at his door and asked who it was. The one knocking answered, Muhammad Ibn Idrees.

Yunus thought of everyone who he knew by that name except the Imam. Upon opening the door, he was shocked to see him.

The Imam said:
“O Yunus, hundreds of issues unite us, and only one issue divides us? Don’t try to be triumphant in all differences; sometimes, winning hearts is more important than winning situations. Don’t demolish bridges you built and crossed, for you may need them again one day for your return. Always hate what is wrong, but do not hate the one who errs. Hate sin with all your heart, but forgive and have mercy on the sinner. Criticize speech, but respect the speaker. Our job is to wipe out the disease, not the patient.”
I wish we can learn from the great lives of our teachers.
Parenting – The Unexpected Task

Parenting – The Unexpected Task

Parenting for most couples is something that they are ill prepared for. Everyone acknowledges that to bring up children to be responsible citizens is a primary task but there is no formal instruction about how to do it. Parents are given the rare privilege of scripting whether their children will be winners or losers, but they have no idea how to write this script or indeed, most don’t even realize what they are writing.
Here are 5 rules of  Parenting. 
5 – Rules of Parenting

  1. Live your message
  2. Manners (Akhlaaq), Dealings (Muamilaat)
  3. Scheduling time, Multi-tasking, Networking
  4. Accepting responsibility, Communication
  5. Drive for Excellence: Being Number One
Live your message: because children listen with their eyes. They don’t care what you say until they see what you do. If you do it, you don’t have to say it. If you don’t do it, then whatever you say will have no effect. Remember that as a parent you are a role model whether you like it or not. Your choice is to ask yourself what kind of role model you want to be and work towards that.

Manners:are the key to the heart. They are the key to influence. They are the key to power. Manners make the home, the marriage, the friendship. People see your manners before they see you. They remember your manners long after they have forgotten your name. People don’t remember what you did, they remember how you made them feel. So teach them manners before you teach them anything else. Adab (manners) is also the key to learning Islam. So focus on that. Dealings are your signature as a Muslim. It is our dealings and manners which reach out to others and introduce them to Islam. So ask yourself how you want that introduction to be. Teach them good manners and to deal with fairness and justice because that is not only the essence of Islam but it’s most powerful means of Da’awa.

Scheduling Time: Everyone has the same 24 hours but effectiveness is a factor of what you do with that time. Teach children to prioritize.  To prioritize you must have a goal to work towards, so teach them to set good goals. Teach them to multi-task meaningfully so that quality of output doesn’t suffer. Teach them to network because it is relationships which open doors. Great networking is based on what we can do for people, not what people can do for us.

Accepting Responsibility: The leader is the one on whose desk the buck stops. So teach them to take responsibility because we are accountable to AllahY. The secret to great work is to do it as if your life depends on it. Because actually it does.

Drive for Excellence:There is only one way to do anything – the best way. Good enough never is. So teach them the importance and value of driving for the best possible quality for all that they do.

“Winning is not a sometime thing: It’s an all-the-time-thing. You don’t win once in a while, you don’t do things right once in a while, you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately so is losing….I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour – his greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear- is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – VICTORIOUS.” ~Vince Lombardi

Living Thoughtfully – Maximize your ROI

Opening

As I grow older I am aware of an ever increasing sense of urgency; a feeling that I have progressively less time left to leave behind a legacy that can be a credit to me. This sense of urgency has nothing to do with the fact that the reality of time running out is one that we all face. It has more to do with the desire to do something to maximize the benefit of the time that I have left. Naturally like all of us, I have no idea how much exactly is left, so all the more reason to act fast.

In this process, I developed a theory based on my own life experience which I call ‘Living Thoughtfully’. I believe that before we act, if we think about what we are about to do; the reasons for it, the possible effects of it and other alternatives that we may have and then ask ourselves, ‘Do I really want to do this?’ then we will be able to vastly improve our effectiveness.

I am Muslim and use the Qur’an and Sunnah as my basis for decision making. That is what I have used here as well. You, the reader, however will I hope, find these reflections both interesting and usable even if you are not Muslim, because integrity, morals, ethics and concern for others are universal values. I take them from the Word of Allah and the teachings of His Messenger because I believe that one day I will be held accountable before Allah for what I did.

In ‘Living Thoughtfully’ the most important matter is to check our intention. That is why one of the most important sayings of Muhammad (SAS), the Messenger of Allah is: ‘The reward of a deed is based on its intention.’ A bribe is after all a ‘gift’. The difference which makes one right and the other wrong is the intention. Imaam Nawawi, one of the most eminent scholars of Hadith, writing about the importance of intention, in his book – Ar Riyadhus Saleheen – said, ‘(Live with) the awareness of the intention in all that we say, in all that we do and in every situation that we find ourselves; whether visible or hidden.’

Imagine living with such a heightened sense of purpose that before a person says anything he asks himself why he is planning to say it, thinks of the effect his words are likely to have and takes responsibility for that. He does the same with every action of his and reflects on his contribution to any situation he is faced with.

If we behaved with such a tremendous sense of responsibility no matter what our position in life, what a wonderful world we would be able to create around us? Our problems of inequity, poverty, environmental degradation and moral bankruptcy can all be traced to one source – a lack of responsibility for our speech and actions. We lack concern. We must change this.

I contrast ‘Living Thoughtfully’ with the opposite, ‘living thoughtlessly’… just remaining alive, like a cow or a goat. Not that I have anything against cows or goats but would like to believe that I am different. I have called it ‘Maximizing ROI (Return on Investment) because our time, energy, money, emotions, thoughts, aspirations, desires and the choices we make are all investments into our lives, albeit sometimes (or for some of us, most of the time)unconscious.

It is important therefore that we stop to assess what the return on our investment is, especially as much of that investment is impossible to retrieve once it is made. Yet it will have consequences whether we like them or not. When we look around us we see that some people seem to accomplish far more than others, though all of us have the same amount of time. The others complain that they have ‘no time’ but if you ask them, ‘Can you tell me what you did yesterday and why was it important?’ they are not able for the most part even to recall what they did, let alone be able to say why it was important. The same thing is true of other resources which we have at our disposal, be it money, or network of people or access to education or anything else. It is my contention therefore that the secret of accomplishment lies not in the amount of time or resources that we have but in what we do with them. How we use them, leverage them, conserve them and spend them. The secret is in ‘Living Thoughtfully’.

Living Thoughtfully is not only about being goal focused but also about being aware and concerned about the effect of our actions. Of being conscious about the fact that while we need to accomplish our goals, we need to find ways of doing that without damaging, harming or oppressing others. Our problems today with global issues, be those related to wars, global warming, rapacious grasping of resources by those who have the power to do so and consequently more expenditure on military and weapons than on health, education and eradication of poverty; all relate to living thoughtlessly.

Living as if the consequences of our actions will not come home to roost on our own rafters. Just as they say, ‘When a butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon, a tsunami is born in Indonesia’, whether we live thoughtfully or thoughtlessly, it has a profound, powerful and visible effect in all aspects of our lives. It is not possible to pollute the water of the lake we swim in without that pollution affecting us. That is the reason I believe that the most important thing for us to do and to teach our children to do, is to Live Thoughtfully.

With this in mind, I have delineated the elements of Living Thoughtfully and have suggested some attitudes that we should work on developing as well as some tools which I believe will be helpful in achieving our ends. I have used these tools personally and taught them for many years and know they work.In our modern commercial society we have reduced everything to its dollar value even where the matter has no monetary value as such but is critical to success in life. For example what is the monetary value of integrity? But we are all aware that the present financial crisis that the whole world is affected by is rooted in a lack of integrity at the highest levels of the economy and government. If the decision makers sitting in their ivory towers had been people of integrity we would not have been in this mess. Yet almost nobody speaks of the core reason for this situation.

Similarly we have reduced education, health care, food production and distribution, the care of the elderly and many such matters to businesses. I say ‘reduced’ because to me education is for life, not to make a living. Health care is about concern for the sick and a desire to alleviate their suffering as effectively and cheaply as possible; not about showing a decent ROI on the hospital’s balance sheet. Food production and distribution is about feeding those who are starving no matter where they may be and not about throwing wheat into the sea because otherwise it would depress global prices on commodity stock exchanges. Many organizations that spend in the name of CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) are more concerned about the tax breaks they get for their spend; the fact that they spent nothing for social welfare prior to the tax breaks bearing mute testimony to the fact. What are we saying about ourselves as human beings when the death of people due to starvation has less value for us than the price of wheat and therefore the return on our futures trade? Do we
stop to reflect? Do we care? Yet we call ourselves civilized.

That is why I believe in and operate from the Islamic principle of accountability before Allah from whom nothing is hidden and to whom we will have to answer for all that we did or chose not to do. That is Islam. I am sharing this with you because this is my foundation when I speak about ‘Living Thoughtfully’; to live constantly with the awareness of accountability in my mind and so always strive to please Allah.

The 6 – Critical Elements

There are 6 critical elements to ‘Living Thoughtfully’:

1. Goals
Long term
Short term

2. Criteria
Measurement
Implementation

3. Reflection
What happened?
What do I learn?

4. Choices
In direct control
Through others

5. Risk
Long term
Immediate

6. The Legacy
What do I want to be remembered for?

Let’s look at them individually.

1. Goals

As they say, ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step’; but that step must be on the right path and going in the right direction. What is the right path? The path that leads to the goal which you want to achieve. So before all else, comes the goal. We call it by many names, vision is one. But goal is what it is. Where are you headed? Where do you want to reach? The greater our clarity about this, the higher will be our energy and motivation to work towards it.

? Long term
? What is the vision?
? What is the result you want to achieve?
? Why does it excite you?
? Who else does it excite?
? What does the achieved state look like?

In order to get this clarity a good way is to imagine and draw what the achieved state will be like.

How different will it be from the current state? How beneficial will that difference be? Interestingly the bigger the difference, the more the benefit, the higher its power to pull us in that direction. I call this ‘Positive Stress’. It is like the head of water in a hydro-electric dam. The higher the head, the more its power to generate electricity. That is why it is in the very nature of extraordinary goals to inspire extraordinary effort.

Another benefit of clearly visualizing the achieved state, the goal, is that it gives us perspective. Perspective is the ability to hold two pictures in our mind simultaneously; where we are and where we want to go. The differential fuels growth.

Imagine being lost in a featureless desert or in a dense forest. If you want to find a way out, you will seek a high place, climb to the top of it and try to look for a way to get out. When you are standing on top of that hill and have now seen the lights of a village far in the distance, you will be able to chart a course to reach there. That is perspective.

At that time, you are able to see the two pictures; where you are now and where you want to go. This is essential in life because without perspective we will not be able to appreciate the magnitude of the goal and what needs to be done to achieve it.

This brings us to a challenge; ‘How can I make others dream my dream?’ The big reason is that almost anything worth dedicating our life to will require at least some others to also dedicate their lives to the achievement of that goal. That means two things: our goal must help them achieve their own personal goals and we need to be able to show them how this will happen. Inspiring others is therefore about allowing others into our mind and letting them see the pictures we are seeing and into our hearts and letting them feel what we are feeling. It’s all about connecting at various levels and that needs building trust.

It is when people love you and trust you that they are willing to be inspired by you and to dedicate their lives to enable you to make your dream come true.

As they say, ‘People don’t work for organizations. They work for other people.’ Read about the life of any great leader and you will find that his followers loved him more than anyone else. It is this love that binds. It is this love that enables the person to wake up in the morning eager to meet you and to stay up late in the night to complete an unfinished task.

What people will do for love, they will not do for any other reason. Not duty, not money, not even for their own careers. Emotion is the basis of all action.

All mediocre results are the consequence of a lack of passion. What we ourselves don’t believe in, we can’t inspire others to do. We can only give what we have and so our own passion must never diminish.

Passion is not simply irrational feeling. Passion is the result of an absolute conviction that the achievement of our goal will change our world and to believe that is worth doing and the willingness to dedicate the time, energy and resources to make it happen. This creates a higher sense of purpose of being among those entrusted with directing the path of destiny. Passion results in a sense of pride in our work because our work defines us. People who are passionate about their tasks need no supervision, no monitoring.

They set their own targets and routinely overachieve. They drive their own supervisors and team members to be the best they can. They inspire everyone. That is why passion is in my opinion, critical to success.

All long term goals must be broken down into shorter term results.

? Short term
? What is the immediate gain?
? How important is it to get it?
? How will it change the situation if you get it?

It is essential to answer these questions because in the pursuit of long term goals it is easy to lose steam along the way and diminish your efforts or even to lose direction. Immediate gains not only motivate but they make the all too important point of proving to people that your way works – that the goal is actually achievable.

Achievement of short term goals is helped by having those goals clearly articulated and announced with a reward on the achievement of each. This encourages the spirit and gives people a sense of achievement and gives them hope in eventual success no matter how tough the going currently may be. Celebrating small successes encourages the heart especially in the cold dark stretches of the night when self doubt raises its head and you wonder if you can really win.

Finally in many cases, short term success pre-qualifies and in some cases is essential if the long term goal is to be achieved. A good example is Gandhiji’s Salt Satyagrah; the march to the beach in Dandi to make salt to defy the law under British India. It was a small step but it was in the right direction and shook the foundations of the Colonial Government. The Salt Satyagrah in itself did not rid India of British colonialism but it was an immediate goal which gave people a sense of achievement and success and proved to them that Gandhiji’s highly unconventional way of protest, through non-violent means could actually succeed. It was such steps that Gandhiji took very successfully that gradually built support for his ideas of Ahimsa and people started to believe that the behemoth of British Colonial Government which had governed India for more than a century could actually be unseated and expelled without a bloody and violent revolution. Small successes are very important and can often spell the difference between success and failure of the long term goal.

2. Criteria

Once we have clearly articulated the goal, the next step is to determine our criteria of success and how we are going to measure it. I believe that measurement is essential because it is the only way we have of knowing clearly what we achieved. Without measurement it is possible to have a false feeling of success, especially if we worked hard and long at something. The fact however is that unless we can measure it, it does not exist.

There are two aspects to measurement: ongoing measurement of progress and periodic assessment against the standard to determine whether our progress is adequate or not. Measurement is the reality check in all situations. What we can measure, we can control. What we can control, we can guarantee. That is why measurement is the soul of any product or service quality enhancement effort.

? Measurement
? Quantum & Time?
? What is a fair way to measure progress?
? What would be a stretch goal?

So what must we measure? Measurement parameters must take into account both ‘quantum’ and ‘time’ – how much must be achieved by when? It is a good idea to set parameters collaboratively because people’s participation helps us to understand their susceptibilities, difficulties, fears and aspirations. It is essential to understand all these things because ultimately their efforts will be affected by all of them. As Nelson Mandela said, ‘Don’t address their brains, address their hearts.’ Inspiration belongs to the heart.

Inviting people to participate in setting measurement parameters is also a very powerful step to build trust. It is the best way to demonstrate respect for them as team members and to show that they are seen as equal partners and stake holders in the results. People respond to this by owning responsibility and interestingly set parameters which are often more ambitious than you would have set for them yourself. With the big difference that since these measurement parameters were set by themselves, they are more willing to abide by them and don’t see them as being ‘thrust down their throats from above’.

Finally a word on ‘stretch goals’. It is a very good idea to set both a normal and a stretch parameter for each step and to have different rewards for them.

This encourages people to aspire to excel and to set records and stretch their own beliefs about what they had hitherto thought themselves capable of. Doing this collaboratively once again helps to create ownership for the stretch goal which otherwise can become a ‘stretch’ itself. All these are also wonderful exercises in building communication between team members and the team leader and help to iron out any areas of potential conflict.

Once the parameters are agreed on we need to institutionalize implementation.

? Implementation
? Pass or fail?
? Mitigating circumstances?
? Does the standard need to be changed?

The most critical matter is to apply the standard without fear or favor. Nothing sabotages morale like varying standards – different strokes for different folks – is not the preferred method. After taking the trouble to set parameters collaboratively it is essential to apply them impartially. The best way to ensure impartiality is to do the assessment also collaboratively. This creates an atmosphere of high transparency and reinforces trust.Naturally it is possible that there may be some mitigating circumstances in a particular case which prevented someone from achieving his target. Once again collaborative assessment of the situation and deciding on that basis removes all possibility of bias. The rule is that mitigating circumstances are always exceptions and not the rule.

Finally there may be a situation where the goal itself needs to be revised upwards or downwards. It is a good idea to periodically examine the goal in the light of changing global situations and see if it needs to be changed. In this process sometimes new understanding emerges about the means of achieving the goal and so this process must be documented.

3. Reflection

We have embarked on our journey; we face situations; what do we learn? How will this learning help us in going forward? How will it make the rest of the journey easier, safer, cheaper and more productive? All this and more can be achieved by taking time out to reflect. ‘Still time’, is what I call it. Time to simply sit still, in active contemplation of events with the intention to learn from them. To the external world you may appear to be doing nothing. But you are actually engaged in one of the most important activities of mankind; learning. One of the ‘diseases’ of our modern times is what I call ‘busyness’. The big value that we place on activity by itself. We rush around telling ourselves and everyone else that we are ‘very busy’, we ‘have no time’ and so on. Then we collapse on the sofa before the TV in the evening feeling very satisfied that we had a very busy day. But if someone were to present us with a pad and pen and say to us, ‘Please write down what you achieved today by being so busy,’ most of us would not be able to write anything at all.

We have created a culture where it is almost a crime to be inactive, to simply be, to breathe, watch the world go by, to contemplate. The result is that we seem to have lost the skill to do this beneficially and end up with a feeling of having wasted our time and rush back into the apparent ‘safety’ of frenetic activity to which we have become accustomed. This is very detrimental to learning, improving our methods, enhancing our productivity and enjoying our lives.

Reflection is not a waste of time. Structured reflection is the best use of time that we could possibly make because it gives us the possibility of changing our methods to make them more useful. Reflection helps us to create concepts and theories which we can apply and eventually pass on to others. Unless we reflect we can’t learn. And unless we take time out to be ‘still’ we can’t reflect.

There are two stages to reflection: What happened and what did I learn?

? What happened?
? Who did what?
? What did I do?
? What were the alternatives?
? What were the circumstances?

I call this ‘Dreaming Deliberately’. Deliberately playing the scenes in my mind; recalling as vividly and graphically as I can, all that happened. Not putting a rosy color on it. Keeping it as emotion free as possible. Just being the spectator and watching it happen again. Doing this not simply to relive, lament, bemoan or torture myself but rather, as an interested spectator, critically watch what happened in order to learn.

This reflective observation is the first step in learning from life using our own experience as the teacher. The higher our integrity when doing this, the more valuable the learning. There is great temptation to make ourselves look good but it must be resisted. I don’t mean to imply that we are always the ones who are wrong. I only mean that we must be honest about what actually happened and not try to avoid the pain. The two biggest blocks to learning are the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain. We must beware of both lest they render our life useless and we make the same mistakes again and again. That is the real loss; to do wrong a second time.

While Dreaming Deliberately we need to keep the circumstances surrounding the incident in mind. Once again being absolutely honest with ourselves because if
we don’t, then the only kind of deception that would be happening would be self deception and that prevents all learning. So we watch it happen, see our own role in it, reflect on the circumstances leading to the incident, ask ourselves, ‘What else could I have done? What were my alternatives? What actions happened because I was not thinking? What did I actually choose to do? If I had chosen another course of action what new scenarios would have come into play?

Life is like a series of parallel worlds. Depending on what we choose to do, a new vista opens before us and we walk that path. Sometimes it is not possible to change anything until we come to the next crossroad or fork. At other times we can actually trace our steps back to the last fork and go down the path we did not choose the last time and new scenery unfolds for us. What we call ‘destiny’ is this scenery. We can’t change it. It comes with the path. The forks or crossroads are the choices, the paths that we can choose to walk. If we want different scenery we need to walk a different path; the path which has that kind of scenery. Want to walk in the fields, go to the countryside. Want to window shop, walk down Main Street. It is really that simple.

We get to choose our destiny, albeit without knowing exactly what the details will be. However we have enough indicators to tell us if it will be good or bad, even if we don’t know the details. Our values are the guides which help us to make the right choices and that is the reason they are so important.

Confusion about choices is often the first indicator that we are about to compromise our values. If we are true to our values, there is no confusion. We know why we are choosing a particular path. We know what is likely to happen and we make that choice deliberately. But when we are about to succumb to temptation and compromise our values, our conscience starts to beep and we feel fear.

This fear is different from the fear we call excitement which we feel when we are about to embark on a high risk – high return venture but one that does not entail compromising values. Excitement is fear that anticipates a happy ending. It energizes, enhances awareness and enables us to live the moment fully. I used to hunt big game in my youth and even today, more than 30 years later I can vividly recall the excitement of walking down a game trail, my gun ready at port, watching every leaf, twig and shadow identifying it for what it really was and not what it might appear to be until too late. The shadow could well be the dappled coat of the tigress as she lay crouched in the grass, waiting for her prey to get within striking distance when one short charge, preceded by a roar that turns knees to water, would signal the end of the career of any hunter. This fear would enhance my level of awareness of my surroundings to such an extent that even today I can actually smell the scent of the hot soil baking in the heat of a May sun. Excitement is a healthy
fear that adds value to life.

The fear that arises as a result of our conscience beeping is debilitating, energy sapping and slows us down. Wisdom lies in listening to this inner voice and changing the choice and choosing a different path. Deliberate Dreaming if done well enables us to live those moments again so that through the pain and embarrassment of it all, we are able to see where we went wrong and learn.

? What did I learn?
? What could I have done differently?
? What else could I have done?
? What could I have controlled?

Once we have done enough of reflection in terms of what happened and have gathered enough material to work with we must move to the next stage and that is to ask ourselves, ‘What did I learn?’ Conceptualization is the extract of experience which determines its value. What we don’t conceptualize remains raw experience. Not particularly useful because it is unable to guide us to reach any useful conclusion. At best it may be an interesting story. At worst not even that. The biggest loss is that what we don’t conceptualize we can’t teach anyone, so our experience remains useless to ourselves and others.

A very important part of conceptualization is to actively try to see what we could have controlled and what was really out of our control. Later we shall see how this is an important element to remember while making choices but for now, reflecting on our past, it is important to look for the signs of control. Ask, ‘Who was in control? Why? What gave them that power? What made me powerless at that time? What could I have done to change that situation and regain some of my power which I had given away?

The Learning Journal

A very valuable tool to use for reflection and conceptualization is the Learning Journal. I have used this tool for several decades and have taught it to several thousand students over 25 years of teaching. The Learning Journal is a tool to encourage Living Thoughtfully. Its format is very simple as you can see below:

What happened? Why’s it important? What did I learn?

Every evening you fill out this format. You first record all significant incidents of the day. Then you reflect on and record why you believe they were significant. Then you conceptualize your reflections and record the lessons you learnt. Some days you may come out blank in any one of the columns. You may not remember what happened that day. It is a lesson to prove that you completely wasted 8 -10 hours of your waking time which will never return. It is often a very powerful wake-up call for most people to stare blankly at their Learning Journal trying to remember what they did.

The second and third columns often need more time and so it is alright to record the significant events and then do the reflection and conceptualizing over the next few days and fill them in when you are done. The recording is essential because no matter what we like to believe about our memories, they are transient and even the most important lessons are lost if they are not recorded. So recording is essential. I also find that writing helps me to think in a structured way which frankly is the only way to think efficiently and effectively. Random thoughts simply float around in the mind but get nowhere and no lessons emerge. But if you can structure your thoughts you will find that you can accomplish much in a very short time. As you gain experience and develop your conceptualizing skills you can do it faster and more sharply each time. Takes practice, needless to say, and the Learning Journal is the tool.

4. Choices

Once we have completed our learning, we come to the next stage and that is to ask, ‘So what can I do now to change my destiny?’ We need to make a choice.

This is the most difficult of all stages; to actively choose to change our lifestyle. For one, this may mean choosing to give up doing things that we enjoyed doing but which we realize were harmful. But just because we realize their harmfulness it does not mean that giving them up would be easy. All sorts of addictions will fall into this category. Another difficult choice, even more than the first, is to re-choose our friends.

It is amazing how friends can either facilitate or inhibit change. Depending on the kind of circle we move around in, the new lifestyle changes we planned on become easy or difficult. Our friends will support us or criticize us. That is why it is necessary to choose our friends and give up those who are destructive. The best way to do this is to invite your friends to your new way. If they agree it is good for them.

If not, they will leave you on their own as you have ‘changed’. There are two elements in making a choice: Things which are in our direct control and things which we don’t control but can either influence or prepare for when they happen.

? In direct control
? What are the choices that I can personally exercise?
? What is the ‘cost’ of the choice? My investment?
? What is the benefit? My return?

I believe that it is essential to classify choices on the basis of what we control because then courses of action become clearly visible. There are two aspects of the choices that we directly control which we need to take into account: The ‘cost’ of the choice and its ‘benefit’.

A cost-benefit analysis of any choice is essential because many a time we fail to choose wisely because we have a vague fear in our mind about the consequences of doing so. When however we analyze the cost of taking an action and the benefit (both long and short term) of doing so, we realize that the benefit far outweighs the cost. I have even had the experience of realizing that the so-called cost was something in my mind and not real at all, when I carried out a formal analysis and went looking for hard data to support my ‘feelings’.

It is good to remember and remind ourselves that the benefit of a choice may not always be material (standing up for the minority opinion or for justice and truth or to support the oppressed) and the cost may appear to be too high. But one must weigh this against the real cost of the death of your soul and against the real benefit of perhaps even losing your life but remaining alive for posterity as a beacon of guidance for all others who tread that path. So also is the cost of choosing to follow the orders of Allah in return for the promised reward in the Hereafter when we will be rewarded far more than we imagined. The Messenger said to the effect that there will be people who will enter Jannah purely on the basis of their character, manners and the way they treated others.

I remind myself of this because the conditioning in today’s environment of measuring everything only by its material worth has undermined all values and reduced us to becoming bean counters who can’t see beyond monetary benefit. We have all been impoverished as a result and are suffering collectively from the disease of commercialism and which demotes us from being citizens to being mere consumers. It is at the altar of this god that we are all sacrificed. We must change this urgently.

After we have determined what choices are in our control it is a good idea also to look at choices that we may not control directly but which we can influence through our network, speech or writing.

? Through others
? What can I influence in my favor?
? Whose support do I need and what does that entail?
? What is beyond my control totally but what can I do to prepare to face it?

As you can see from the questions above we can influence choices that are made and that have the potential to affect us both through our own network as well as through the network of those we know. Choices can also be influenced in the public space through writing, activism, public speaking and various other means all dependent on the degree to which we are creative in using all the elements at our disposal. In his book Invictus, John Carlin documents the many choices that Mr. Mandela influenced to win over a hostile population to his policy of reconciliation. A feat that is unmatched in modern political history.

Finally there will be situations which are likely to be totally out of our control, like the current economic slump that we are going through globally, which we as individuals couldn’t have influenced. But even in this case it is possible to prepare for it so that its effects can be controlled and ameliorated in our own lives. While this may do nothing to reverse the negative change, it can at least cushion us from the worst of the impact. I call this whole approach, choosing to be a ‘Master’ and not a ‘Victim’. I believe that this is a choice that is ours to make. Circumstances will not change as a result but their effect will.

Master or Victim?

In the life of every man and woman comes a time and a window opens when they have a unique opportunity to make an impact and influence others. To succeed we need to anticipate, prepare and act with courage when it opens. Living life is about making choices- the choice to be a ‘victim’ of circumstances or the choice to do something about circumstances and be their ‘master’. We are free to make this choice – to be a ‘victim’ or to be a ‘master’ – but the choices; each has a different payoff in terms of its consequences. Both stances are subject to the same givens of society, environment, organization etc. But have very different implications in terms of your development and happiness. It is one of the fallacies that people assume: that when we say we have freedom of choice, the choice is free of consequences. This is a myth and like all myths, it is a fantasy and a lie. We have freedom to choose but every choice has a price tag – every choice that we make is the same in this context. Each has a price tag. Foolish people make choices without first ascertaining the price tag and are then surprised, shocked, disappointed and so on, when the time comes to pay for the choice. Then they blame others for the result which they could have avoided.

To return to our discussion, ‘victims’ are people who complain about adversity, think of excuses, blame others, lose hope and perish. ‘Victims’ can be individuals, groups, communities or nations. The ‘victim stance’ is the same – complain and blame.

‘Masters’ on the other hand are people who when faced with difficulty and adversity, first look at themselves to see how and why they came to be in that situation, own their responsibility and then they look for solutions to resolve that situation. They have the courage to try new ways and win even if they fail. “Masters’ recognize that whatever happens to us is at least in part, if not wholly, a result of the choices that we made, consciously or unconsciously.

The result of what we chose to do or chose not to do. Consequently if we recognize that we created the situation, then it follows logically that we can also create its solution. The characteristic of ‘Masters’ is that even when they may temporarily be in a ‘Victim’ situation, they quickly ask themselves the key question: ‘Okay so what can I do about this situation?’ This question is the key to taking a ‘Masterful’ stance in life.

This is in itself a tremendously empowering mindset which frees a person from the shackles of self limiting barriers to his or her development. A ‘master’ never says, “I can’t”; s/he says, “I don’t know if I can!” – And in that is a world of difference. The key question to ask therefore is – In terms of the challenges that I face today, what do I need to do if I want to be a ‘Master’ and not a ‘Victim’? What is the investment that I need to make in order to succeed? This investment may be in terms of changing our attitudes, beliefs, behavior or lifestyle. It is often difficult to do and even more to sustain, but it is tremendously beneficial in all ways.

5. Risk

Once we have identified our choices and decided on a course of action the next step is to assess the risks involved. These would be of two kinds: Immediate and long term.

? Immediate
? What is the nature of the risk?
? What is the Worst Case Scenario?
? Contingency plans: What must be done to mitigate the risk?

In my view the most important thing in risk assessment is to insist on real data about the projected risks. Without that we may be running away from ghosts and fearing things that don’t exist. This kind of fear is debilitating and worthless.

For example one of the reasons why many people don’t take the step to become independent entrepreneurs is because of their risk perception. Asking questions to get some real hard data about the factors involved helps them to realize the true magnitude of the risk and many then take the plunge because they feel capable of handling the risk. Risks may be of different kinds depending on the decisions that you are planning to take; financial, PR, safety, potential lost opportunity, political and so on. Each must be analyzed and assessed in terms of its projected impact.

The next thing to do is to assess the cost of doing nothing, i.e. cost of living in the present state. This is often a very critical question because it has the potential to motivate people to take the big steps that they really need to take to change their destiny.

But the fact is that they will not take them unless they see the need clearly. Burning the boats figuratively is a powerful motivator because it introduces desperation into the equation and desperation overcomes all sorts of reluctance. Once there is complete agreement on the need for change we look at risk itself by doing a ‘Worst Case Scenario Analysis’.

We ask, ‘What is the worst that can happen if all systems fail?’ This is a reality check exercise which is also a big motivator. Once you have been through the barrier of fear and realize that the so-called ‘worst’ is not so bad after all and that you have contingency plans and that there is much that you can do, firstly to ensure that the worst does not happen at all and secondly to mitigate its effects if it does happen; it energizes you to take the plunge.

With long term risk it is essentially the same process in principle:

? Long term
? What is the nature of the risk?
? What is the Worst Case Scenario?
? Contingency plans

The difference is that sometimes we tend to put long term risks on the back burner for too long and are suddenly surprised when they come true. Another common fault is that we don’t think about the long term risk in the excitement of getting started and take short term risks that impact the long term.

However since the effect is not immediately visible we imagine it isn’t there. However some time later the chickens come home to roost to our embarrassment or cost.

Analyzing long term risks is therefore equally important. We follow the same process as I mentioned earlier. We analyze the different kinds of risk involved and cost them and work out the ‘Worst Case Scenario’ and make contingency plans. In the case of long term risk, there may well be things that you can do today which will help to either reduce or completely eliminate the risk. These are well worth considering and spending the time and resources to initiate as they can save a lot of time and tears later.

Cost of finance is a typical case in point where the nature of your sourcing can decide success or failure in the long term. Another is the commitment to quality where insisting on excellence in everything right from the first day may seem to be tedious but in the long run it is usually the lynch pin factor that attracts the best talent you need to succeed.

Short term gains are important and we must try to get as many as we can, but never at the cost of the long term. It can spell disaster.

6. The Legacy

In the end, the worth of a life is measured by its contribution. We are remembered by what we contributed. Not by what we consumed. Contribution is measured by the difference we made to other people’s lives. Was that positive? Then we will be remembered with honor. If not, our passing will be an occasion of breathing a sigh of relief at being rid of a nuisance. It is our choice which of these we want our legacy to be. That’s why we must live thoughtfully.

Because our life is worthy of that attention. Do you agree? Time is a resource that is not renewable. That is why it is essential we learn to leverage it to get maximum benefit.

My Contribution

? What was it?
? Who did it help?
? What difference did it make?

In a world that is obsessively focused on consumption, it is difficult to define yourself in terms of contribution but I believe most passionately that in the end it is contribution and contribution alone that matters. What difference did it make to the world and those who live in it that I was among them? What would have been lost if I had never been born? And that is a question that must be answered not by me but by those whose lives I touched. Was that touch something that they are happy and satisfied about? Or is it something that they would rather forget?

I remember something that one of my mentors told me several decades ago but which remained with me and on which I have tried to model my life.

He once asked me, ‘What do you need to do if you want a plant to grow well?’

I replied, ‘We need to manure it.’

He said, ‘That means that even manure has a positive effect. So what do you say about the person who lives and dies and there is no effect?’

And that is what I ask myself, ‘What difference did I make?’ To this thought I try to hold myself accountable and for this I would like to be remembered.

Over the decades this has proved its value when someone calls me or meets me and tells me how something that I did many years ago, helped them. There’s nothing more satisfying in life than this.

Attitudes for Living Thoughtfully

Finally something on the attitudes that I believe are necessary if one is to live thoughtfully and leave a legacy of honor. There are 5 that are essential.

1. Seeking accountability

Notice that I am using the word, ‘seeking’ and not merely accepting. To seek accountability is a critical leadership skill that is visible in those who want to leave a mark of their passing. It is only when we seek accountability that we indicate that we are willing to take responsibility not only for our own work but for its effect on others. To seek accountability is to stand up and say, ‘I did it and I am responsible for the good and the bad of it.’ To seek accountability is not to export blame, nor to find fault, nor to make excuses and not to run away from the consequences.

People who hide from accountability are clearly stating that they are not ready to lead. That is why in the end it is only those who seek accountability that count. Living Thoughtfully is to live a life that counts.

2. Discipline

All systems are only as good as their implementation. The best ideas in the world have no effect as long as they remain in the realm of ideas. It is only when they emerge into the world of action that the glory of thought manifests itself and becomes visible in concrete results. The secret behind this is discipline. The ability to make a plan and stick to it. Discipline also has to do with two other things: Structuring time and the ability to say, ‘No!’ We all have the same amount of time but the better we can schedule it the more productive we become. Scheduling has to do with prioritizing.

I have written a note on my tools for managing time in the appendix and so will not go into the details here but will suffice to say that the more efficiently we can prioritize our activities, the more productive will our day be.

Saying ‘No’ is a matter of developing assertiveness. Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others. Without
assertiveness you become the proverbial doormat and your life becomes the property of others to dispose of as they please. We often labor under mistaken ideas about hurting others; believing that it is necessary to succumb to every demand because we should not hurt others. Becoming assertive is to accept that you are entitled to your own time and to making the best use of it as you think fit. That to tell someone that they have to wait to see you or talk to you because you are engaged in something that is important to you personally is not a sign of selfishness but of self respect. To demand that people be punctual is a sign that you respect the other person by being there on time. To expect that the other person reciprocates by being on time himself is your right.

There is nothing for them to be hurt by this and if they are hurt that is not your problem or responsibility. It is a development area for them.

3. Seeking feedback

There is only one way to improve and that is to know the effect of our current behavior. And there is only one way to know the effect of our behavior and that is to seek feedback. For feedback to be useful it must be data based. It must tell you specifically what you did well or what you did badly. If feedback is merely opinion in another form, be it positive or negative, it is of no use. For example if you just made a speech and someone came up to you and said, ‘That is the best speech that I’ve ever heard in my life.’ That statement is as useless as if someone comes up and says, ‘Excuse me, I am sorry to say, that is the worst speech I ever heard.’ It is true that the first statement will make you happy and you will walk around in a warm golden glow for a couple of hours afterwards and the second statement will make you either sad or mad, but for the purpose of learning, both are equally useless because they don’t give any data. They are merely subjective opinions which leave you equally clueless about the reasons why you were appreciated or deprecated. So you must always ask for the reasons. ‘Thank you very much for saying that. Would you please tell me what exactly you liked/disliked?’ Then make notes, thank the person once again for taking the trouble to talk to you and then later consider the data that you have. It is not necessary to always accept anything that comes your way. But it is always necessary to consider it. Then accept what you believe is valuable remembering of course that not all that is valuable is always pleasant in taste.

4. Willingness to change

If we are serious about our development, which is the purpose of Living Thoughtfully we need to be willing to change when there is a need to do so. Without this openness change will not occur even though we may have all the information needed to change. Willingness to change in my view indicates two critical attitudes of the winner which underlie it and that is humility and the pursuit of excellence. It is only when someone is confident but realizes that there is always room for improvement that he/she will be willing to change. Without that humility feedback falls on deaf ears or worse, causes offence. As for the pursuit of excellence; only when someone wants to constantly improve that he/she will be willing to change and will not become rigid in their ways. The person will seek feedback not merely as a formality but with the active intention of using it constructively. They will monitor their effectiveness and measure it against high standards and seek to excel.

This is not a one time or one-stage-of-life activity but something that the person who is focused on excellence does constantly all through their life to the very end. And that is what distinguishes them and makes them stand out and differentiate from the rest. I have had the good fortune to know some people who even in their later years would learn from their juniors with such childlike enthusiasm that it made me wonder at what a wonderful work environment they must have created around them all through their lives. This shows a genuine commitment to self improvement that supersedes all.

5. Unflinching honesty with yourself

One final attitude in order to live thoughtfully, unflinching honesty with yourself. I left this to the last because it is in a manner of speaking the ‘platform on which everything else runs.’ Without honesty none of the other attitudes will function. I use the term ‘unflinching’ because sometimes honest self assessment is painful. But unless we can look at ourselves squarely in the eye, own up to our actions and then say, ‘Okay so what do I need to do now going forward?’ without flinching, we will not be able to improve.

Running away from facts never helped anyone and won’t help us either. Facts must be faced and dealt with as they exist. Facts can be changed but they can’t be wished away. So being absolutely honest with yourself is the foundation of all attitudes of success and that is why I mention it here, at the end.

Conclusion

Living Thoughtfully is all about leaving behind a legacy of honor. You may well ask, ‘Why should I necessarily leave a legacy?’ I ask, ‘Why not indeed.’ We only live once. Why not live so that we leave behind something worthwhile?