First the words;
Eulogy: a speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, especially a tribute to someone who has just died.
Elegy: An elegy is a sad poem, usually written to praise and express sorrow for someone who is dead.
But eulogies, Wikipedia assures me, can also be delivered at retirement functions and other such events when a person is leaving you but not for the next world. I assume that it is not a crime to deliver a eulogy, so to speak, by simply expressing appreciation and thanks to someone who has been good to you in different ways, without any formal function or speechmaking.
Now, why this article.
In the last week, I received news of the deaths of three people, all very dear to me. One was my aunt, Anees Fatima, the second was my classmate all through school (Hyderabad Public School) from 1965-1972, Chandramohan Agarwal and the third was Mohammed (we called him MP), my dear friend and companion on various jaunts, whose father and uncle were mentors to both of us.
Quite spontaneously, I wrote my thoughts about them, our shared memories about the times we lived in saying how much I appreciated their being in my life. Many people read what I wrote and appreciated it. But it occurred to me (yes, I am stupid and you must have seen this coming long ago) that the only one who didn’t and couldn’t see, read or hear what I had written, was the one about whom I had written. So, was my writing worth it at all? Yes, their relatives appreciated the words in their hour of bereavement, but I didn’t write my thoughts for that. I wrote them to express my appreciation and thanks to the person who died. However, because of the timing, the eulogy became an elegy (a poem in praise of the dead).
I recall something I found very amusing at the time, my friend Siasp Kothawala telling me a funny story about his friend Mariba Shetty. Siasp and I shared a love for horses and wildlife. Mariba Shetty was the Inspector of Police in charge of the Mounted Police battalion in Mysore. We used to visit him there and ride the horses of the Mounted Police, beautifully turned out and trained. We always appreciated the immaculate condition of the stables, mounts, tack, saddlery, uniforms and manners of all the people. All the result of one man focused on quality, Mariba Shetty.
I used to visit Siasp in his forest resort/home, Bamboo Banks in Masanagudi on the edge of the Mudumalai National Park and would ride his horses in the buffer area. One day I was having tea with him when Siasp said to me, ‘I read somewhere in the papers that there was a riot in Mysore and the Mounted Police were called out to control it but in the melee, there was all kinds of violence and Mariba Shetty was killed. I was very sad to hear this and promptly wrote a long letter to his wife, telling her what I thought of her husband, listing all his qualities that I appreciated all through my association with him. Two weeks later, I get a letter from Mariba Shetty which said, ‘Dear Mr. Kothawala, you will be happy to know that the news about my demise was wrong and I am alive and well. I am writing however to say that I am most grateful to you for your kind letter to my wife. I had no idea that you thought so highly of me.’
I am writing this as a reflection and a reminder to myself and to you. Express appreciation to the one who was good to you and added value to your life before they die. Don’t wait for someone to die before you tell them that you love them or are grateful to them.
For after they are dead, everyone else will read and hear what you said, except the only one whose reading and hearing it would have mattered.
For after they are dead, everyone else will read and hear what you said, except the only one whose reading and hearing it would have mattered.
Don’t wait for a eulogy to become an elegy.
A big revealation ! Indeed most often than not our eulogies tend to become elegies as our most precious relationships are taken for granted ! Realisation of loss results in appreciation of the cherished ones ! Thank you Mr . Baig for this beautiful eye opener ! Your blogs continue to inspire us and make us aware of the subtle nuances of life .
Thank you for the reminder. We are taught to say to those we love that we do and to tell them so, and to show gratitude and appreciation to people. Whoever does not thank people does not thank God. So taught the best of all teachers.
It's a good idea to express our appreciation towards a person whom we love when he is very much with us . It strengthens the bond further and as the saying of our beloved prophet ( pbuh) goes "the one who has not thanked the person has not thanked god " . It's very important to appreciate and thank the person in our life whom we consider special . I think we should all do that . Thank you Yawar Baig Saab for highlighting it .
Akmal and I are blessed to have you in our lives Yawar bhai .
Very touching and insightful Yawar. We must learn to cherish the moments we have together as we will not get them again. Every day when I say bye to someone that is what stays with me.
Jazakallah khair and Thank you for enriching my life and helping us to become better at thinking and acting on revealed guidance
I was apprehensive before I read this piece given the title. I should have known better from your past writing that I was in for a treat yet again. Jazaak Allahu Khairan for sharing this piece and for connecting us in the moment. Many a dark time your writing has been a beacon of light which helped us navigate our way through the storm, sometimes forcing us to ask and answer difficult questions. And at other times when you shared a personal moment from your own life in ways which made us feel like we were right there with you, your writing brought a smile and a lump (often followed by a trickle of tears) that came from a shared understanding of our common human disposition. Thank you for making us a part of your life.
Dear Yawar, first of all: let there be no misunderstanding that I agree with you that people should share their feelings with other people when they are stille alive. As long as these feelings are shared in an honest, respectful and also candid way it will add to the value of the relation. However, there are some cultural issues. In my country (the Netherlands) most people express their criticism freely and certainly among friends this is regarded as evidence of true friendship. Of course we also like compliments, but when there are only compliments we get suspicious. There is a saying in my country: "there are lies, big lies and retirement speeches".
The way we write and share elegies goes back many centuries, in the 4th century the Latin phrase "De mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est" was published, meaning: "Of the dead nothing but good is to be said".
I think that is good, because if you haven't been honest during a person's lifetime, his/her passing away isn't the right time to become "honest". If you really love and/or respect a person, then be honest whenever you see him/her.
Wonderful advice… A few years ago we organised a tribute for our mother which compiled 70+ favourite memories or messages from people across all walks of her life and we did the same for my father a few months ago. My mother was in tears and told us it was the greatest blessing to be alive to hear her own eulogy. 🙂